everything reminds me of her – everyone looks like her.
It’s crazy the way the pain subsides for so long and I think I’ve actually caught my breath and caught myself and lulled my world into some sense of normalcy then in the snap of a finger it’s like I’m trapped in 3-years-ago, trying to catch her and make her stay… trying to drink up every moment, every memory because the calm is gone and panic has set in and all I want to do is preserve the life we had.
Last night, driving back from Ann Arbor (again) I thoughtlessly put on a cd I hadn’t listened to in ages: November Naps. Of course, it was a mix for the mindless month I’d rather forget existed. And every song tugged on my heart. Song after song my eyes started to fill with more and more tears. And, instead of stopping at the store like I’d planned, I found myself at home, climbing onto a stool, taking down “our” photo album from the highest shelf… pictures I haven’t look at in far too long. My smile in the pictures was so genuine. And so was hers. Our happiness pours from every page. I cried myself to sleep within an hour.
And there she was in my dream. Peeking around corners as I wandered through an abandoned downtown. Smirking through windows lacking doors to find the other side. So close, so real. Yet untouchable, unreal. Gone when I woke up.
You’re everywhere but next to me, bunni.
Just now, as I’m watching Season 3 of the Vampire Diaries (which was just added to Netflix for my viewing pleasure) the song “A Drop in the Ocean” came on – one of the songs I played on repeat the weeks following bunni’s death. I guess I’ll take it as a “hello” from her.
Hello to you, too, dear. I miss you so much right now.
A drop in the ocean
A change in the weather
I was praying that you and me might end up together
It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert
But I'm holding you closer than most 'cause you are my heaven
-Ron Pope "A Drop In The Ocean"
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