Homemade Muffins

BananaKale

BananaFlaxseed

BananaWheat

BirthdayBust

My birthday had it's good points ...days after the actual day.
On my birthday, Mr.U's mom had a seizure.
He found her on the floor in the dining room disoriented&groggy.
Scared, he called 9-1-1 and I pulled up as the ambulance pulled off.
So, we spent my birthday evening in the emergency room
(mostly I stood outside and people watched)
then had a quick bite around 10pm.
The next weekend, though, we finally celebrated with cake&presents.
Thankfully, his mom is ok,
but the lesions on her brain have increased in both number&size,
so she's unable to drive and doing 10 rounds of radiation.
Hopefully it will help - her health obviously trumps my birthday.

raspberry lemon cake

Presents from my mr. - so thoughtful

Hot Sulfur Springs

Our main vacation adventure in Colorado was visiting some Hot Sulfur Springs about 20mins from our resort. We paid less than $20 a person to go sit in these naturally occurring hot springs that were routed into little pools all over the side of a mountain. The higher the elevation - the higher the water temperature ...so we went right to the top. The sulfur water smelled a little like rotten eggs, but it made our skin and hair so soft&shiny. And it was so nice to sit in the hot water while the snow fell around us. One area even had a waterfall we could enjoy, which was great. It was definitely an awesome, one-of-a-kind experience.

Turning Dustin's Peace Ring Colors

Etching on the Concrete

Sign posted on a bench

Dustin under the waterfall

Waterfall in one of the springs

Hiding

Kris&Books

Joe's cousin in a producer for the Kris Jenner Show,

so my mom&I were able to go to an episode taping.

We went dress shopping the night before

for bright&bold&solid colors

and I found a long, teal maxi-dress to wear.

We excitedly got up in the morning

-drove past the Hollywood sign-

and headed to the studio

where we were able to pass the line of women waiting

and were seated in the front row.

Going to a show taping is an interesting experience...

there was a comedian there to cue our laughter&applause

and lots of loud music to fuel excitement&fun.

I'll admit that I've never been the biggest Jenner/Kardashian fan,

but it was a once-in-a-lifetime&new thing to do.

The guest host - Boris Kodjoe - was a beautiful man

who spit out german and cooked delicious-looking german food

livened up the set with intelligent convo and stories about his family

and showcased his clothing line: Alfa.

(he was definitely my favorite part.)

Then there was Denise Richards

(so tiny in person)

who talked about her show Twisted on ABC Family

and Harley Pasternak - author of the Body Reset Diet.

We got his book, chocolates, and a top from Kris Jenner Collection

as our give-away for attending the taping.

I started reading the book by the pool that week

and I'm excited to get into it.

The next day, mom&I curled up in our hotel beds to watch the show.

(and look for ourselves on TV)

She was shown on camera twice!

(and obviously so - since she's a beautiful&well-polished lady)

I, on the other hand, took back the teal dress I'd bought.

Small Cell Lung Cancer

The entire month of May Joe's mom had a horrible cough. She wasn't in my car on the drive down&back, but apparently she'd violently coughed the entire time. When we got back, she had a doctors appointment that led to a chest x-ray that led to another appointment.

Joe&I got home from work and the front door was wide open... he walked back to his mom's room to see what was up and the look on his face when he returned to the kitchen was pure terror. "She had her appointment about that chest x-ray today... This isn't going to be good." She emerged from the bedroom with puffy eyes and a wet face. "They found a tumor in my lung." The rest of her words escape me - they came out in muffled murmurs and circled my ears before floating past me.

Next came an oncology appointment at 9pm on a Thursday. I took her. Joe had holed himself off in the basement since we heard the news. I can't say I gathered much from the appointment besides the fact that I hate oncology offices and that sympathetic expressions don't actually lend real  information.

The next morning produced a 6am phone call that she needed to be admitted. The oncologist - an old friend of Jan's - said he'd let his emotions get in the way of sending her straight to the hospital and she needed to go in. So I headed to work and Joe stayed home to take her. The day was atrociously horrible. Trying to keep my mind on paperwork while knowing what he was going through was so difficult&painful.

After a weekend of radiation, she's able to breathe again and her cough has cleared up so much. It's amazing. Unfortunately, though, it's still small cell lung cancer, which needs to be aggressively treated with chemotherapy if there's any hope for remission. Her first round starts today, so our fingers are crossed that she doesn't get too sick, since everyone takes to chemo differently.

I seem to be the voice of "real conversations" in our household. Since Joe closes up when serious&sad topics unfold, I get to hear all the unfortunate news&details. I'm trying very hard to hold it together, keep my head up, stay positive, and stifle any horrified emotions.

Obsessed Treats

My latest obsessions in food:

PeanutButterApples&SpicyGuacamole.

I'm absolutely addicted.

I bought avocados for 10 for $10 at Meijer

and made a gigantic bowl of dip

...and ended up taking most of it to Florida.

Both are such healthy&delicious snacks.

BrusselsSprouts

I’ve been all about making brussels sprouts lately. After having them at our girls’ dinner about a month ago, I’ve made a couple different batches. I definitely like to make them spicy – red pepper flakes, garlic powder, onion powder, black pepper, white vinager, etc. Then, as all the recipes state, bake on medium heat for 30-40 minutes. Waiting for these little babies to cook is miserable – the smell starts filling the house within the first few minutes and I have to stash myself away to escape it until I can eat them.

(they also make excellent left-overs that everyone likes to smell in theOffice.)

Homemade Breakfast

Mr.U had a golf outing Saturday afternoon, so after a couple hours of extra sleep I woke up to make us some delicious homemade breakfast.
Sliced potatoes sautéed with onions, peppers, and hot sauce.
Omelets with fat free cheese.
And one piece of whole wheat toast.
A wonderful way to start the day – mine including basically nothing but napping&sewing. Mr.U’s needed the nourishment a little more.

Return to Me

I don’t even want to think about the weeks I thought I’d lost him. I just want to enjoy every minute I’m still allowed to have with him. Grandpa is flying home tomorrow with my beautiful grandma and headstrong uncle by his side. It makes me cry just to know I get to hug him again and I absolutely cannot wait. My hero – the most amazing man in the entire world – is awake, talking, walking, showering, eating, and coming home.

Prepare to Ride

I’m sure it sounds super morbid, but I’ve been trying to prepare myself for the worst with my grandpa – even though he’s had 2.5 good days in a row now. I don’t want my hopes to be soaring high then crash to the earth and shatter if the Lord decides to take him. But, I’ll admit, that my attempt to convince myself ‘I’ll be alright’ proved failing last night as I drove home from dinner with my cousin.
A text from my dad had put me on edge. Why did he want me home? What did he need to say? What didn’t I want to hear? My stomach knotted and my eyes welled the entire route. When the news was good – I burst into tears anyway. Assuming the worst sets me up in advance to accept the things I must – but, obviously, I’d rather my assumptions be wrong.
Successful dialysis and breathing on his own this morning – my family surrounding him to ensure he wakes up calm&comfortable. I currently wait at the peak of the roller costar anticipating the upcoming St.Patty’s Day celebrations.This is one of my grandparents’ many Christmas ornaments.
The little radio gives a news bulletin about Santa being “spotted over head.”
It reminds me of waiting to hear the “Grandpa Updates” right now.

Silent Updates

These ups&downs in grandpa's updates are killing me.
one day he’s better – the next he’s worse
one day he’s gone – the next he’s back
It’s frustrating to be so far away with so much uncertainty.
Yesterday, we got great news that they removed the pump in his heart and it was beating on its own. He’s also reduced from 100% oxygen to 40%. I texted my grandma – who’s begging me not to accept the job I have a 2nd interview for this Friday in order to come&care for her&gpa – that every single ounce of my love is in Florida. “I can’t wait to tell him that.” She responded and I burst into tears. Her hope gives me hope.
But everyone’s hope makes Mr.U ache. I was frustrated by his simple&subdued responses to my “Grandpa Updates” …then I stopped and thought about it. Six years ago on St.Patty’s Day, he lost his dad to cancer. He’s been through these ups&downs – more often and longer than I’ve been worried for grandpa – and his roller costar ride ended at the bottom. The last thing I want to do at this time of year is make him upset, so I’m trying to direct my worry elsewhere and focus on making Mr.U’s St.Patty’s Day 2012 wonderful. Beer – Brownies – Burritos for all who come to celebrate the holiday with us.
With grandpa’s kidney dialysis today, though, I’m still definitely worried.

What Crêpe?

This past week I had a job interview on “the East Side” and intentionally planned it for Friday so I could visit with some friends in the area afterword. I’m hoping&wishing for this job to come through so I can spend more time with all those I’ve missed and wanted our Friday night on the town to be simply preview of the life I’ll soon be leading.
So, anyway, RickyBobby wanted to take me to a restaurant called What Crêpe? – just blocks from the business I’d interviewed with. There was a short wait when we got there, so we sat on a plush, little couch in the entrance and got drinks to sip before eating. The menu was interesting – there were sweet crêpes or savory crêpes pre-designed to chose from or a build-your-own-crêpe option. Since I didn’t want a crêpe with meat or cheese, I built my own vegan crepe with fire-roasted tomatoes, red pepers, olives, and vegan truffle sauce. It was a nice change-up meal and pretty tasty.
Whether I was in love with the food or not, though, I definitely dug the inside of the restaurant. It was teeny – probably only seating about 15 people at a time – with mix&match tables, chairs, plates, silverware and eclectic artwork covering the dimly-lit walls. Exposed beams&vents complimented the rich, wood floors in a mesh of vintage&industrial and the bathroom was like a secret nook with stones in the sink basin for a soothing atmosphere.
I look forward to exploring more of the area – if I get the job!

Pointless Process

I made this grocery list January 2nd.
I still haven't bought everything on it.
(most - but not all)
And I'm still carrying it around.Sometimes I make lists just to make lists...

Tough Heart

I woke up early Friday morning to a text from my mother. “grandpa’s in the hospital with a possible heart attack. please pray for him & the tests but also grandma who’s driving around down there by herself.” Mr.U climbed back in bed and I whispered the news in disbelief before burrowing my head in his neck. I thought about grandma sitting somewhere alone with a million questions about the health of her soulmate and my heart just shattered into pieces. My other grandparents (vacationing for their 50th) packed up and drove to be with her. With all of them over 20hsr away from me, there wasn’t much I could do but worry.
I went through the morning trying to keep my mind calm&clear – hard but necessary since I had an interview at 4pm. Tidbits of information kept me upset&distracted, though. She’d gone to the wrong hospital – sat in the waiting room asking employees for help who looked at her in confusion until my dad figured out where she needed to be. I immediately called her – needing to hear her voice – and the frustration in her words was overwhelming. I stifled my emotions for her and stated very matter-of-factly that everything would be ok. (a phrase I’d normally hate, but clung to in an attempt to reassure myself.)
Saturday morning, I got the news that it still wasn’t. He’d developed pneumonia in both of his lungs and they were having a hard time raising his oxygen levels to treat the illness. I went about my day – basically numbed – and got ready for a night in Chicago with friends, my brother, and Mr.U. We were sitting at a bar laughing&drinking when I noticed my brother walking somberly toward me.
“can you come outside?”
I followed.
He turned and threw his arms around me.
“grandpa had another heart attack. they’re not giving him much time.”
I just cried – whimpered in defeat – crumbled to the sidewalk with my back against the brick building – and tried to process his words.
“you know he’s at peace – it’s grandma I’m worried about.”
I nodded in agreement.
Those lovebirds are the most perfect pair in existence and grandpa would do absolutely anything for her – everyone knows that inside his failing body, he’s worrying about her – not himself. And apparently he’s so worried that he’s not giving up yet. After 2 heart attacks, 2 surgeries, and 2 lungs infected with pneumonia, he’s stabilized again and “not much time” has turned to “long recovery ahead.” I guess I’m not sure how to react. Part of me doesn’t want to hope too high and the rest of me believes that he’ll never actually go. All I know is: I wish they were here. My mom, aunt, and cousin are now in Florida with grandma and I wish they’d all just get back here.

Muscles&Blocks

This past weekend Mr.U&I and his Buddy&Girlfriend got up bright&early Saturday morning to drive to Columbus, OH for the Arnold Sports Festival. The boys were beyond excited as we filled our bellies with a yummy Tim’s breakfast and I climbed into the driver’s seat for the 3-hour trip. The girls – yeah, we were excited in our own way. Being the fan of health&fitness that I am, I looked forward to discovering new things… and we were all excited to see the glistening muscles of the body builders and conquer the challenge of nabbing as many free supplements as possible. But, I have to admit, I was more enticed by the architecture of the city than the protein&creatine filled booths.
After hours of shuffling through the crowds, all 4 of us were in need of a break and a nice, big lunch, so we went to this sweet refurbished warehouse-turn-market and all found our own special food craving – I enjoyed a delicious dish of Indian food – before heading back for a few more hours of booth bouncing. And we all agreed at the end of our second round that we’d gotten our money’s worth of free goodies.
I must say, though, that the next day was the highlight for me. While Buddy&Girlfriend sat in the front row of a seminar with Arnie Himself, Mr.U&I took in the city. I was shocked to discover the amount beautiful buildings that were actually empty and unused – reminiscent of Detroit, only much more well-kept. But I still loved all the details. Massive clocks, tiny alleys, eclectic mixes of brick&stone puzzle-piecing the city’s façade together. I can never get enough of old, character-filled buildings. And exploring Columbus was just what I needed on a brisk Sunday morning.
Mr.U got his MuscleFest in and I got a visual mindfuck in a brand new city. Can’t complain.

Processed Preservatives

Though I’m not a practicing Catholic, I enjoy fasting for Lent. So throughout Fat Tuesday I contemplated what I planned to give up. Barbie’s giving up hot chocolate – which she drinks daily – and ice cream. I tend to eat a healthy diet as it is, though, meaning to give up something like ice cream would be silly for me, because I only eat it a few times a year.
Thus, I decided on “processed foods.” And I guess I should have recited a definition because everyone – especially Mr.U – finds the fast to be mindboggling. Basically, I intend to give up food with preservatives and focus on foods who’s main ingredient match what the item “should be.”
Example: Natural Peanut Butter – the only ingredient is peanuts. No, peanut butter doesn’t form in nature, so it is technically “processed” but not with preservatives and artificial sweeteners. Anything I make myself from “scratch” is technically “processed” but I know what’s inside it.
Also, I emphasize foods – wine&dietcoke are not foods. Catching on?
So yesterday – Ash Wednesday, February 22, 2012 – I started Lent. I honestly don’t feel this will be too difficult, but, we’ll see. I’ll have to give up my Nature Valley granola bar addiction…

Good Article

February's Fall

The women in my office had obviously made New Years Weight-Loss Resolutions after the holiday dust had settled. The kitchenette over-flowed with: Cans of Soup, Whole Wheat Toast, Salads, Frozen Lean Cuisines and Everyone: discussed their caloric intake, compared diet tracking apps, shared healthy recipe options, and exercised on their lunchbreak.
The communal Snack Table remained empty during the first week of January. The second week, it made it to Friday’s On The Border Mexican delivery lunch and everyone stuck to the pre-tracked meals they’d calculated from the restaurants website. I giggled as they obsessively scooped their rice and opted out of the sour cream option. Bagels and one plate of chocolate chip cookies found their way to the table on the third week, but they were picked over throughout the day instead of the normal desperate morning munch scramble. The fourth week, a Girls Scout Cookie sign-up sheet accompanied a few boxes of granola bars and Special K chips (both of which I tried&enjoyed).
Then came February – potentially the most defeating month of the year for this obesity-tainted nation of ours. Two dozen donuts appeared on February 1st and were slowly eaten throughout the day – successfully avoided by some who’d not yet fallen off the wagon. February 2nd donned “Promotion Bagels” with lots of cream cheese options. “They’re really soft&fresh…” I heard one failed dieter snear at her deskmate who’d painfully said “no” to the Panera temptations. And today, Friday, February 3, there are two dozen more donuts on the table.
If anyone hadn’t fallen off the wagon yet, they’re clinging on by their fingernails and spitefully avoiding the common area.
Though I do find it funny – the whole New Years weight-loss trend followed by the February fall back into old habits – I mostly feel sorry for my coworkers, because I speak from experience. I’m the queen of the fad diet (my mother had me join her on the Cabbage Soup Diet before I even had a driver’s license) and I know how discouraging the cycle of motivation-lack of results-retreat can be. Hence, why I’m trying so hard to find a balance of health, exercise, and indulgence. I don’t want to end up a middle-aged office woman starving my way through January only to binge February into oblivion.

Sophomore's Savior

"It’s hard not to wonder what I could have, should have, would have done to save her. I suppose I’ll always wonder. I can re-play every conversation, every fight, every memory over&over searching for an answer or solution, but I know it will never bring her back. I always knew that. Even when she was here, I knew I couldn’t change things. What my Bunni did was what my Bunni did and I just had to take what I could get.
Those stages of grief they talk about never came full circle for me, because I definitely never hit the “bargaining” one. I accepted from the moment I heard she’d really done it that she was gone and there was no bringing her back. There was only dealing. Only living. Only remembering what I could. Loving what I’d had. Missing it, of course, but not hoping for it to return. She was gone. Sure, I wish I’d saved her – I’ll always wish that – but I didn’t.
She had definitely saved me, though, from a lot. Honestly, I think we both saved each other – it was just that ultimate “save” that I missed somehow. But it’s not like I was always the “solid” one in our pair. In fact, if she’d never saved me, I’m sure I couldn’t have held on to her as long as I did – her efforts in the beginning that lead to my efforts toward the end.Heaving in a bush a block from my apartment building – that’s what I had lowered myself to in my bulimia haze. That Qudoba Gumbo had been spectacular on the way down, but I certainly couldn’t leave it in my body. Sorority Formal Recruitment was coming up and there was still a solid month of shorts & tank top weather, so access body weight was not an option. This had become my ritual that summer – either a bush, public restroom, or a plastic bag while the shower ran… I couldn’t have my brother hearing me barf in the bathroom we shared and I couldn’t leave any evidence. I’d accepted my habit, but I knew he wouldn’t. Slowly, my walks to class had gotten harder – my tired, hunchy body ran out of breath much more easily without all that nasty food to keep it energized. I’d convinced myself that the energy was ugly – who needs to stand up straight because they ate 3 full meals? I’d come to love my rounded shoulders and protruding hip bones – there’s more beauty in my control than your energy, you eaters.
The first night her&I spent as roommates was for Recruitment Retreat at our sorority house. I wanted to impress her. Yes, I was dating someone and so was she, but I wanted so badly to catch her eye. My tiny body would certainly be impressive. She also was tiny, though.
Damnit, she’s been working hard all summer, too. I remember irritatedly thinking – hoping my efforts wouldn’t go unnoticed.
They didn’t. As I pulled on my Victoria’s Secret PINK pj bottoms she lounged in her red desk chair trying not to watch me change – a task she later admitted was much more difficult than she’d expected.
“You been blowin’ coke all summer, girl?” she blurted.
Satisfaction. I shook my head as I slipped my shirt over my bony shoulders.
I didn’t start eating “normal meals” again until her & I were in full swing about 4 months later. By then she knew it wasn’t cocaine that was keeping the skin attached to my bones. She knew what I was doing. Yet never seemed phased. Truthfully, I think she wanted someone to save – something to distract herself with – someone who needed more help than she did. She never made a negative comment. I only heard constant reassurance of how beautiful I was and how lucky she was to have me. She never forced me into eating. I always knew the offer was on the table, though. And eventually, my comfort with her and in us brought me back around. I wanted energy for her. But more than that – I didn’t seem to want anything anymore... I didn’t need to be tiny – I didn’t need to vomit. My happiness had eliminated those thoughts. I don’t remember a turning point. I don’t remember clenching a toilet seat thinking, This is the last time, girl, cause you don’t need to do this again. I only remember not doing it – not worrying anymore. An effortless transition to health – and maybe some added pounds I'd have disliked had I been paying attention, but I wasn’t thinking about my appearance by her side. I just lived. Ate, drank, loved, and lived."
-excerpt from my novel

Mr.WillPower

Mr.U is doing much better on his diet than I am. This is irritating. I pride myself on having will-power. Especially when I have a goal – like weight-loss. But, he’s buckled down and stuck to his oatmeal, protein shakes, grilled chicken and salad with daily workouts. And I have continued my small indulgences here&there.
I always say that completely depriving one’s self just makes “dieting” more difficult in the long run. If I want want want something but never allow myself to have it – the day I break, I’ll break break break.
I’m not gaining. He’s definitely dropping&cutting. His opinion: this is good cause I don’t need to lose while he does. But I’d be lying if I said his determination isn’t emphasizing my weaknesses – even if it’s only in my head. Maybe it would bother me less if he wouldn’t insist that I “eat enough” all the time. If I ate what he’s eating all day, he’d tell me I need more. Unfair. We’ll get this under control eventually. I suppose my ultimate desire is for us both to be comfortable&confident. If he can be so restrictive right now – I can’t let it bother me.FatFree WhippedCream mixed&frozen with 1packed of FatFree SugarFree Chocolate PuddingExtra Fiber OatmealLiquid Eggs cooked with Pepper & covered in Hot Sauce

Mongolian Sundays

Mr.U&I have got a new Sunday tradition. After hitting the gym, we have a wonderfully-healthy, protein&veggie-filled bowl of Mongolian Barbeque from BD’s. He’s a growing man and finishes the heaping pile of stir-fry while I – on the other hand – barely finish 1/4th. This has worked out perfectly, though. Since I avoid my kitchen for both food storage&cooking, I have a convenient to-go box for the work-week that I separate into 3 little servings to put inside wraps.
Yum.
Mr.U's Meat-filled MonsterMy Egg-ceptional Vegetableness