Other Betty

I saw another "Betty" on my walk to work this morning!

It made me very happy.

Day with Dad

I spent most of the 3-Year-Anniversary Day of Bunni’s Death with her dad

who's relationship I feel so blessed to have in my life.

(When I let myself think about it, I ache the most for him

...

and I wish for his happiness over anyone who lost our beautiful girl.)

After breakfast with RickyBobby, I stopped at Starbucks to pick up a traveler of coffee for the cemetery. When I ordered it, the barista seemed a little irritated with my request, but attempted to be polite and ask me if I was going anywhere fun in need of coffee. Without thinking I responded “to a cemetery” and his face dropped in sadness. I reassured him that I didn’t mean to make him uncomfortable, but it was still an awkwardly comical Starbucks moment. I then headed to the cemetery with my coffee and El Tigre to sit with her brother&bestfriend. They were late, of course – cause they’re on their own schedule – so I had some time to sit alone on the windy, cloudy day...allowing myself to think about the girl I'd loved&lost and still miss so very much. After a little smoke upon their arrival, I headed to her dad’s, who I planned to watch movies with all night, but we got sucked into college football, so we munched&watched&chilled in our usual seats in front of the TV with sweatpants&cigarettes. We both woke up extra early in the morning and watched the sun rise on the snow covered ground leading to the lake and discussed the life Bunni's Envoy had been leading as-of-late. I thought it was long gone since her dad had finally gotten a new car for himself, but apparently he'd just been storing&fixing her and lending her out when his employees&son when in need of a spare car. I'll admit that I was rediculously excited when I pulled into the driveway the night before the find the Envoy sparkling in front of the garage. We all know about my overwhelming emotional attatchment to my own Betty, and after the nights Bunni&I spent sleeping&surviving in the driveway of our sorority house, the Envoy wiggled it's way pretty deeply into my good memories. So anyway, we chit-chatted over morning coffee, finished a movie - Phenomenon - we'd fell asleep in the middle of, then I headed back home around noon.

I actually found myself really missing Mr.U a couple times throughout the night, which I think is a good sign. I still very much miss my Bunni and wish she was still here and were were still “us.” But it’s nice to know I’ve found someone who can make my heart as happy as she did. And, I think she wanted me to be happy when she left, so – in an odd way – I’m probably pleasing her.

Paper Memories

My mom gave me a box of stuff I’d left in Betty the last time I was home and I finally sorted through it yesterday.

I have a habit of saving all receipts&cards&papers from before 11.24.09 and obviously the contents of Betty were a direct reflection of that. I looked through the crinkled&fading items and couldn’t help but smile at the memories they evoked.

A receipt from the weekend after my 21st birthday made me smile the most. We’d gone to Metro – the only ‘gay bar’ in Kalamazoo – and downed a bunch of booze&barfood in the middle of the day and simply enjoyed each other’s company. We’d had a rough couple of months… and we’d just lost one of our dear friends to lupis… so we attempted to make sense of it all – including our relationship that’d been failing&falling apart. We had a way of slipping back into our groove very easily, though, and that day was no exception. After months of ups&downs, we sat on grungy barstools and giggled like the downs had never happened. I was staying on campus that summer as an orientation student leader and I had to be back before the curfew I’d agreed to abide by, so I wandered inside and she followed close behind – breaking a rule by spending the night.

But that’s what Bunni&I did:
broke rules and made each other happy.

Yellow Notes

I found these notes while packing up my room yesterday.“I’ve been crying when you’re not looking, so you won’t know how upset I am to leave. I’m not sure why, cause I know out of anyone in my life, you two aren’t gonna judge me – not for my thoughts, clothes, weight, or silly bouts of sadness. You’d think with how easily I can be sassy&sily, that expressing those sad moments wouldn’t be so tough. But they are… I’ve been sad for about a year. Ignoring, running, crying when no ones looking. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been happy too, but never as happy as I’ve been these weeks. I’m so glad I got to spend these weeksish with you. I wish I could stop time and stay here with you two without consequence forever. But… real life is unavoidable… and someday, when I get to be a retiree, I’ll appreciate these moments even more.
Grandma, you’ve taught me since I can remember how to love with such a carefree spirit – unconditional love from deep in my heart even when the recipient may not deserve it. And, though frustrating at times, I adore that trait in both of us.
Grandpa, hearing&seeing your reaction to that movie broke my heart. You’re the strongest man I’ve ever known with the biggest heart to hold it together. Anyone honored enough to hear you speak a word should feel lucky. I could never tell you enough how proud I am to claim you as my grandpa…”
I’m not sure how I finished it, but these were notes for a goodbye letter I wrote to my grandparents after camping with them in Florida last winter. I can’t even remember how long I stayed, but it felt like a lifetime of perfection. They rented me a yellow bike so we could ride around in the sunshine. We played cards, watched movies, ate my aunt&uncle’s homemade jam&sausages. We laughed so hard my belly throbbed and my cheeks tired from smiling. We’d seen The King’s Speech and it had impacted both of them so tenderly.
I remember packing up Betty at our campsite in Oscar Scherer State Park and feeling the biggest lump of sadness welling up in my throat – I knew how special our moments had been – how rare&pristine. Not every grandchild can share the bonds I’ve come to rely on – not every grandchild can be as lucky as me. My grandpa recoded my giggle on his cellphone – trying to remain big&strong, he’d quietly told grandma how much he’d miss it while I stood outside the camper. His sweet, little words made my heart ache to leave. I meant every word I said in that letter and I’d go back to those moments in a heartbeat if allowed.

Our World

"At the start of our relationship, I transitioned from our sorority Historian into the coveted role of Vice President, which she'd proudly held the previous year. We were “together” but not to our sisters. They wouldn’t understand. Especially since she hadn’t even been “out” to the chapter for long and her “outing” stemmed from a short-lived fuck-fest she found herself in with another of our sisters. Going from one housemate to her roommate in a matter of months was too much for these girls to comprehend. So we quietly enjoyed each other. Every night – behind the closed door of our balcony room – we climbed into a loft together and intertwined our bodies …only to wake up and face the world as “roommates” in the morning.
This lead into the most dramatic Christmas Break of my life, though. I’d been babysitting for my boss and missed her endless phonecalls. She’d outed us. Then regretted it and driven to the slut’s house in an effort to make things right. I pulled Betty into a downtown parkinglot – overlooking the riverfront – and cried. I’d loved the world we lived in. Our secrets downplayed my questions. She was openly sleeping with a sister and I was still in love with my boyfriend – I didn’t have to acknowledge us… I didn’t have to recognize the nightly affair occurring behind our bedroom door as the emotionally confusing situation that it was. But, with her un-thought and un-planned confession, “we” were suddenly in my face. I found myself staring down a relationship that I’d ignored the beginning of – and now I had to deal with it ...question what I wanted from it.
I don’t know what changed her mind – or when she actually changed it. The same week of her blow-up or months down the road? But eventually we lost our 3rd wheel and simply became us. I went to stay with her before that Christmas Break had ended. I bought new body butter and made sure to smell as exceptionally enticing for my 3-hour drive to her childhood bedroom. I felt nervously excited and perfectly content all at once. I’d told my boyfriend: “I’m in love with my roommate.” He’d laughed. He sent her a message telling her to take care of me until I came to my senses. My sense had come in the form of my bunni, though. My life began when we began. Our life was all we needed now – we’d take care of each other.
“They weren’t there beneath your stare – and they weren’t stripped till they were bare of any bindings from the world outside that room. And they weren’t taken by the hand – lead through fields of naked land where any preconceived ideas were thrown away. Where I couldn’t say no.”
Missy Higgins lyrics became the definitions of my emotions. When I couldn’t explain myself – I played her a song. “I couldn’t say no to you, girl. I knew ‘the world outside that room’ would never be the same having started what we started…”"
-excerpt from my 'novel'

ByeBye Betty

Betty is no more.
(and this post is long over-due)
She finally decided she’s done traveling with me after our “Last Hoorah Trip” to Pennsylvania over Thanks Giving. Not only did she drop her muffler half-way home (just to make sure every car on the toll-way knew we were coming) but her transmission slowly faded and we inched our way through back-country roads at about 35mph – tacking 2hrs onto our trip.
I can’t say I blame her for calling it quits. She’s been all over the place – dragging me and half my life on so many adventures. And I’ll appreciate her forever for every wonderful memory I’ve been blessed enough to share with her.
I spent the a few days crying while we puttered to work together– knowing there will be no repair job by our neighbor to put her back on the road for a while longer. I rubbed her steering-wheel and screamed over her muffler-less rumble: “I love you, Betty.”
She knows I do. She’s known forever. That’s probably why she’s held on for so long. She got me through the hardest times and only decided to pass once she knew I’d be ok – once she’d witnessed me find happiness again.Thank you, Betty, for every single thing you’ve given me – ever moment of enjoyment inside you – and every patient measure of distance spent ensuring I’d come out of the darkness before you’d gone. You were the best 1st vehicle I could have ever asked for and you left your mark on my friends – my family – and my world. No one other mode of transportation will find the space in my heart you’ve filled. And whatever piece of art I decide to make out of your pieces will hang forever wherever I go.

Ricky's Waffle

Scene: Lunchtime in the caf on move-in day of freshman year
Me: PISSED because Betty wouldn’t start in the parking lot
Company: My roommate and some girl she’d met from across the hall
After a long, crazy rant about how much Betty sucked and how much I hated her I felt I had successfully scared my roommate’s new friend
–
so I calmed down and explained…
Betty is my Blazer – broke down in the parking lot
and she’s having issues today.
OH – ok (she probably thought) this bitch isn’t completely insane.

Us - Dancing in the "First Snow" of 2006

That random girl became my RickyBobby and I became her Waffle. We spent the next four years living under the same roof – one of those years I literally lived UNDER her, well, under her loft bed in my own bed.
She’s been there through the shittiest of days and the wildest of nights.
We’ve
wreaked havoc on fraternity houses
danced our asses off in bars
played in countless snowstorms
stayed up for sunrises
driven all over the place
watched days-worth of movies
held each other up
and carried each other home.
We’ve been
Fanta Girls&Wizard of Oz characters
Sorority Sisters&Spring Breakers
Bar Stars&Hangover-Breakfast Extraordinaires.
When things fall apart – Ricky’s a wiz with puzzles
(even the ones with missing pieces)
…and when things come back together – she’s got the party-plans covered.
I’ve got the best friends a girl could ask for.
Through thick&thin, good&bad, up&down.
And no matter how much distance separates us as we turn into “big girls”
–
I never want to miss a beat in my RickyBobby’s life.

Constructive Seasons

The one good thing about the season change around here is the fact that construction can’t continue through snow. I wait&wait for summer so I can drive around with my windows down & music blasting, soaking up the warm air – only to get stuck in construction no matter which route I take. Once the ice&snow comes, though, heaven forbid construction should slow me down on my commute to whatever cold destination I’m headed toward. Ofcourse, Betty has no air-conditioning… so I’m trying to decide whether or not I really miss the summer construction standstills or if I’m looking forward to blasting the heat on my feet and plowing through snow banks.

Black Betty

I’ve driven the same gray Blazer since I turned 16. Her name is Betty and I honestly consider her one of my best friends. We’ve been everywhere together - through everything together.
My first day with an official license I drove her to Grease auditions leading to a summer as Sandy in a community theater production. We went to Florida and back 3 times – once to actually live in the heat for a semester. I packed her up and moved to college – put down the back seat and piled people in to party in the woods – fell asleep in the back with my girlfriend when we felt unwelcome in our own home.
I’ve grown up with Betty. And, like anything that’s stood next to me through time, I’ve gone through some hardship with Betty.
She heard my heart-wrenching shrieks when my baby committed suicide – sat patiently next to me while I sobbed on cold pavement in a parking lot – carried my memories when I packed up an apartment full of belongings willed to me.
People judge her for her tattered appearance, but they don’t know what she’s been through. In a way – we’re one in the same… we’ll survive these endlessinbetweens until I bury her in my backyard.