LastMinute LakeDay

I had an impromptu afternoon with Bunni's dad last Saturday.

I basically watched him clean and play with the landscaping

while Fiona ran around the yard and played with her bone.

We got a little sun, had a couple cigs, enjoyed a salad&icecream

then watched the Matrix on the couch.

I always enjoy our simple times together.

One of my favorite houses and favorite views

some of his beautiful flowers

Dave

Syd&I went to a Dave Matthews Band Concert last night. I've never been to a DMB concert, but I've been to a concert at the same venue - DTE Energy Music Theater - before and I really love the outdoor space under the ski hill. We got to the show and realized we didn't have bottle openers for both the wine&beer we'd brought in the car, so we reverted back to our 16-year-old selves and improvised on opening them ...laughing so hard at our parking lot struggles. Finally, we got out and wandered through the rain into the show, stopping for beer&snacks before heading inside. As we walked up the hill toward the stage, a rainbow shot through the sky. "Bunni's at DMB tonight." I said quietly while smiling and snapping a pictures. As she show  went on, the clouds turned dark, and the rain continued through sunset, but the spirit of the event seeped through the air - making the rain seem so insignificant. I took off my shoes, closed my eyes, and danced to the music. At one point, I felt a pair of lips on mine - Bunni's brother had found me in the crowd and smiled huge at me as he walked back to his seat. What a reminiscent night to enjoy. The band was honestly amazing - so fun&lively with lots of lights&instruments - and we stayed until the very end. Getting out of the muddy field DTE calls a parking lot was quite the challenge. Everyone was getting stuck - including us - and the drive home through flooded streets seemed surreal, but - in the end - the late Tuesday night was well worth all the effort.

Wine Bottle Struggles

Rainbow&Clouds

Big Screen&Encore Time

Huge Croud&Wild Lights

Instruments&Lasers

Goodbye, Friend.

The world lost a wonderful man tonight.

Just more proof that life is short

and shouldn't be taken for granted.

I talked to him just a week ago

and he seemed to feel fine...

...told me to come out and visit him.

Now I'll never be able to do that again.

RIP, my handsome friend.

You fought a hard fight

and I hope you're comfortable now.

Save a spot for me up there

cause I miss your hugs&smiles already.

And tell her "hi" for me.

I know she's waiting for you

.with open arms - a bottle of captain - and good memories.

A quick memory of mine:

our first extended weekend together

was long&fun and all the way in Canada.

Our condo was full of crazy moments

and you were so protective&exciting.

We slammed shots and hopped in the shower

- ran around naked - fell down - laughed too hard -

experiencing everything to its fullest.

Rarely do I feel so comfortable so  quickly.

You were my buddy from then on.

When the village didn't understand my love for her

you refused to judge and embraced us instead.

And when she left, you ached for me.

And now, I ache for you.

From that ski weekend to our last text...

you, sir, have impacted my soul.

Florida Vacation

I love Florida.

I know some people probably think that a "big vacation"

to Florida isn't very exciting,

but I've missed the sunshine state since I left two years ago,

so I jumped at the opportunity

to go back to the resort I'd taken Bunni to in 2008

and take Joe to Disney World for the first time.

Though there was quite a bit of rain

at random times throughout the week

we definitely enjoyed pools&bars&amusmentparks.

We made friends with one of the resort bartenders

after spending three nights watching the Redwings playoffs

and drove the resort staff crazy

staying in the pool past closing, drunkenly riding the shuttles,

stealing range balls, and smuggling glass bottles.

Joe&Jan&Mar&I spent one day conquering Disney World

and Elise&I spent one day exploring Universal Studios.

(primarily Harry Potter World, which was all that I'd expected.)

Cateline&Elise&I got some good outlet mall shopping in

and Horv&Matt&Erin&Joe&I gorged on Cici's Pizza Buffet

after ditching the pool mid-rain-storm.

It ended up being an excellent vacation...

despite some minor&initial hiccups

with good straight-shot drives there&back.

With every vacation

I realize more&more how amazing my best friend is.

Eclectic Couch

I acquired bunni's couch after her passing

though the cushion for the pull-out got thrown away

by an obnoxious sorority sister

the couch is still a staple of my current bedroom

(complete with new mattress)

and I've been working to recover parts of it

to make it fit my decorating style a little better.

I found fabric in scrap bin at the craft store

to keep my costs at a minimum

and the eclecticness maximized.

I can't wait to have my own living room

to showcase it in.

The Envoy

.Best Christmas Gift Ever.

On the anniversary of Bunni’s death, I spent the day with her dad. When I pulled in his driveway, her Envoy was sitting in front of the garage. My stomach flipped in excitement because I’d thought he’d gotten rid of it during the summer when he got himself a new car. Though we’d discussed him offering it to me before selling it, I figured he’d just done it anyway and I had to get over never driving “her Envoy” again. But, there it was. Parked under the basketball hoop and sparkling on the gray day. I excitedly walked passed it and entered the house – calling out “I thought you got rid of the Envoy” on my way through the door. “Oh, no no. I told you I’d tell you if I ever decided to.” He proceeded to tell me about the employees and friends he’d let borrow it and we got some laughs out of how many people love the Envoy. And we went on with our night. The next morning – over coffee&cigarettes – he told me: “It’s yours when you decide to take it. I’ve always known I’d give it to you and it’s finally time. Merry Christmas.” So, finally – after getting a new license plate, title transfer, and insurance registration – I’ve gotten the Envoy all to myself. It makes me so happy to drive her around. No matter where I go – I feel that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.

Me: “You’ll never fully understand how happy I feel right now.”
Bunni’s Dad: “I believe you were the only one on earth that would truly appreciate it.”

Finding Her

I’ve been having crazy dreams lately.

Last night – I was looking for my bunni. I had a party at my grandparents’ house out in the country and I had a few too many drinks, got in Betty, and drove off down the country roads – determined to find my bunni. I “woke up” in the morning of my dream world and my dad was making breakfast. He gazed at me with tired, sad eyes and asked, “How often do you do that? Get drunk and think she’s still here?” “I don’t have to be drunk, dad, I look for her all the time.” I bit into one of my dad’s wonderful egg sammiches and contemplated in my dream … remembering the desperation of peering through my headlights into the darkness of the cornfields, hoping to see my bunni coming running toward Betty&I.

Sometimes I wonder what my dreams mean … why I’m looking for her … why she pops up in the middle of my sleep … what it means that sometimes I can’t find her. Is she trying to tell me something? That she doesn’t want me to find her? That she’s gone somewhere she can’t be found? Is she trying to tell me to stop looking? I guess it doesn’t matter. I’ll always miss her and love her and with I could find her again. I’ll always search for her face in crowds and relate so many of my moments to the ones I had with her. I just hope my next dream is one with her beside me – holding my hand – and allowing us to be bunni&I for a night.

Day with Dad

I spent most of the 3-Year-Anniversary Day of Bunni’s Death with her dad

who's relationship I feel so blessed to have in my life.

(When I let myself think about it, I ache the most for him

...

and I wish for his happiness over anyone who lost our beautiful girl.)

After breakfast with RickyBobby, I stopped at Starbucks to pick up a traveler of coffee for the cemetery. When I ordered it, the barista seemed a little irritated with my request, but attempted to be polite and ask me if I was going anywhere fun in need of coffee. Without thinking I responded “to a cemetery” and his face dropped in sadness. I reassured him that I didn’t mean to make him uncomfortable, but it was still an awkwardly comical Starbucks moment. I then headed to the cemetery with my coffee and El Tigre to sit with her brother&bestfriend. They were late, of course – cause they’re on their own schedule – so I had some time to sit alone on the windy, cloudy day...allowing myself to think about the girl I'd loved&lost and still miss so very much. After a little smoke upon their arrival, I headed to her dad’s, who I planned to watch movies with all night, but we got sucked into college football, so we munched&watched&chilled in our usual seats in front of the TV with sweatpants&cigarettes. We both woke up extra early in the morning and watched the sun rise on the snow covered ground leading to the lake and discussed the life Bunni's Envoy had been leading as-of-late. I thought it was long gone since her dad had finally gotten a new car for himself, but apparently he'd just been storing&fixing her and lending her out when his employees&son when in need of a spare car. I'll admit that I was rediculously excited when I pulled into the driveway the night before the find the Envoy sparkling in front of the garage. We all know about my overwhelming emotional attatchment to my own Betty, and after the nights Bunni&I spent sleeping&surviving in the driveway of our sorority house, the Envoy wiggled it's way pretty deeply into my good memories. So anyway, we chit-chatted over morning coffee, finished a movie - Phenomenon - we'd fell asleep in the middle of, then I headed back home around noon.

I actually found myself really missing Mr.U a couple times throughout the night, which I think is a good sign. I still very much miss my Bunni and wish she was still here and were were still “us.” But it’s nice to know I’ve found someone who can make my heart as happy as she did. And, I think she wanted me to be happy when she left, so – in an odd way – I’m probably pleasing her.

Your Smile

"I held her close for only a short time, but after she was gone, I'd see her smile on the face of a perfect stranger & I knew she would be there with me all the rest of my days."

-Brian Andreas

Hear Me: I love you.

Always in a rush

Never stay on the phone long enough

Why am I so self-important?

Said I'd see you soon

But that was, oh, maybe a year ago

Didn't know time was of the essence

So many questions

But I'm talking to myself

I know that you can't hear me any more

Not anymore

So much to tell you

And most of all goodbye

But I know that you can't hear me any more

It's so loud inside my head

With words that I should have said

And as I drown in my regrets

I can't take back the words I never said

I never said

I can't take back the words I never said

Always talking shit

Took your advice and did the opposite

Just being young and stupid

I haven't been all that you could've hoped for

But if you'd held on a little longer

You'd have had more reasons to be proud

So many questions

But I'm talking to myself

I know that you can't hear me any more

Not anymore

So much to tell you

And most of all goodbye

But I know that you can't hear me any more

It's so loud inside my head

With words that I should have said

And as I drown in my regrets

I can't take back the words

The longer I stand here

The louder the silence

I know that you're gone but sometimes I swear that I hear

Your voice when the wind blows

So I talk to the shadows

Hoping you might be listening 'cos I want you to know

It's so loud inside my head

With words that I should have said

And as I drown in my regrets

I can't take back the words I never said

I never said

I can't take back the words I never said

Never said

I can't take back the words I never said

Words - Skylar Grey

Paper Memories

My mom gave me a box of stuff I’d left in Betty the last time I was home and I finally sorted through it yesterday.

I have a habit of saving all receipts&cards&papers from before 11.24.09 and obviously the contents of Betty were a direct reflection of that. I looked through the crinkled&fading items and couldn’t help but smile at the memories they evoked.

A receipt from the weekend after my 21st birthday made me smile the most. We’d gone to Metro – the only ‘gay bar’ in Kalamazoo – and downed a bunch of booze&barfood in the middle of the day and simply enjoyed each other’s company. We’d had a rough couple of months… and we’d just lost one of our dear friends to lupis… so we attempted to make sense of it all – including our relationship that’d been failing&falling apart. We had a way of slipping back into our groove very easily, though, and that day was no exception. After months of ups&downs, we sat on grungy barstools and giggled like the downs had never happened. I was staying on campus that summer as an orientation student leader and I had to be back before the curfew I’d agreed to abide by, so I wandered inside and she followed close behind – breaking a rule by spending the night.

But that’s what Bunni&I did:
broke rules and made each other happy.

This years...

Maybe I’m blocking it out so well this year because this year is full of regret. The past two, I was simply sad. This year, whenever I think about her, I barely even miss her… I just get mad at myself. I just think about how pathetic it is for me to be missing her 3 years later, when I could have saved her and not be missing her at all. I can’t stop thinking about how wonderful she was and how easy it would have been to talk her off that ledge and get her help. I can’t stop thinking about how much I wish I could take that last month and get my shit together for her. All too often I wake up and look at my phone thinking I’ll have a missed call from her. But that’s impossible, because I answered her last phone call and basically told her to get over herself and figure out how to treat me better before she called back. Now she never will. I shouldn’t be allowed to peacefully miss her. I’m the one who let her go.

Busy Girl

I’ve been incredibly busy lately.

Who am I kidding?

I’m still busy without an end in sight till New Years, really.

And I suppose I like it that way. Busy keeps my mind off the month&memories. But when it’s silent&calm around me, my head buzzes with my bunni. Songs come on that seem to exude her. TV shows remind me of us. Moments I can’t distract myself through seep her name into my head. And, I really don’t mind. We had a wonderful romance that I never want to forget… and all the laundry, shopping, and workdays can’t completely rid my mind of it (no matter the time of year). I’m glad I’ve been distracted, but it makes me feel guilty… like I should be missing her more than I’m allowing myself. And it makes me a little scared that once I finally fall apart, I’ll ache too hard for longer than I’d like.

I guess we’ll see.

For now, I’ll keep folding, crafting, and cooking.

Unknown Reactions

You can never definitively know what you’d do in certain situations.

You can think of options

…claim a passionate stance on one reaction vs. another…

take for instance the reaction Aria’s mom has

in Season 2 of Pretty Little Liars when Mike’s depressed

and hits her to get her out of his room.

She chooses to hide the violence from her husband,

which irritated me because I felt that if he was depressed

he’d need guidance&help

instead of enablement of the issue by ignoring the problem.

I blurted out my opinion

…then thought about it…

I should have gotten her help

when she became violent in her depression.

I should have told people how bad she’d gotten.

I should have done anything but accept&ignore it.

I knew she was hurting

and

I should have known her actions were a cry for help

…in one way or another…

and should have done something about it.

I can say so easily now that I’d help or say something

…

that I’d fight for someone’s mental health if they were acting out

…

that I’d see the signs&symptoms

and

never let anyone slip away again.

 

But I guess that’s not so true

because some people I’ve backed away from

and taken the hint that they cant&wont take my help.

I supposed if someone actually falls completely apart again

I’ll have to deal with my own conscious.

Silent Thoughts

I know that I've successfully shut myself off

when I wake up and realize

that I haven't spoken to anyone in days.

I distract my mind with a million random "other things"

and

shut in all messiness that's trying to seep through my thoughts.

This month gets me.

I know - I know - we all know

...

sometimes I'm sure I can hear the world telling me:

shut the fuck up and get over it already.

I'd rather not hear it out loud from anyone

though

so I'll lock the door to my mind

-

keeping everything out of reach

from those who'd roll their eyes in irritation.

But just because my mouth is shut

doesn't mean I'm not aching.

And just because my face is strong

and

my eyes are blank

doesn't mean what's behind them isn't melting.

I'm sure November will forever feed on my soul.

And I'll survive.

But a part of me breaks away

and

holds itself within this month.

Family Tree

I got a facebook message from a sorority sister recently – one who I’ve never met, but is part of my “family.” She’s making a Family Tree for her grandlittles and wanted my line to add to the list. So I drew her a quick tree and sent on the picture.

It made me miss things...

the people…

the days when our “greek connections” were enough to form overpowering loyalty…

the days when “taking a little” meant becoming a mother-figure and feeling genuine pride&accomplishment in the “baby” I’d adopted…

the days when my Bunni was there – with her own crazy littles – and our biggest worries were what we wanted to drink that night.

I mindlessly wrote the names.

Read them back.

And ached.

Everything changes, but the Family Tree remains…

and younger sorority generations who’ve never even met us will have our names written on their memories.

Holding You

Oh and how she longed to say
that she'd missed [her] troubled ways
and if she could she'd do it all again.

Cause sometimes every word has been used,
and theres nothing left to do
but hold the one you can't have
in the sweet arms of a tune.

-Missy Higgins "Sweet Arms of a Tune"

Missy&Bunni

I wish last night could have lasted forever.
Only I prefer the 4-Years-Ago version, but I’ll take either.

Bunni must be feeling neglected lately because she been stalking my dreams&thoughts. Yesterday morning I woke up from a BunniDream to hear Missy Higgins singing softly through my computer speakers. This lead me to look at her website. The top tour date listed was September 19, 2012 at the Crofoot Ballroom in Pontiac. My heart almost stopped. This is the exact same venue Bunni&I saw Missy at during the summer of 2008.

(at first I had my days mixed up and thought I’d missed it, but still felt happy that Bunni had reminded me of the concert… then about 3 hours into my morning I realized that it was actually the 19th and I hadn’t missed it!)

Quickly, I texted Bunni’s brother to ask if he’d like to join me for the concert and he quickly agreed.

We danced in a blue spotlight while drinking VodkaRedbulls and floating through the clouds – rocked&swayed to the powerful beats&lyrics. Eventually, we moved to the place Bunni&I had stood four years ago – the place where she wrapped her arms around me and told me she loved me for the first time during “Warm Whispers.”

Standing back in ‘our spot,’ I couldn’t wait to hear ‘our song’ and when she finally played it, my whole body went numb. I asked my baby to wrap her arms around me again – hold me up, keep my knees from buckling, warm me from the inside out, and stabilize my soul. And, of course, she did. I felt incredibly calm&eased while Missy whispered the tune – like the clocks had rolled back and time was standing still in a moment when Bunni&I were so fresh-young-inhibitionfree … completely&utterly in love.

Sadly, the song had to end, and reality seeped back into my world. But I’ll forever hold on to the first time (and now the second) that Bunni&I stood at the Crofoot Ballroom listing to Missy Higgins’ “Warm Whispers.”

On a funny side, Bunni’s brother was loving all the lesbians in the crowd – a group on the patio made him an “honorary lesbian” for the night and he thoroughly enjoyed taking all the snuggly couples in.

Everywhere But Here

My bunni has been everywhere lately. Ever since in went to Ann Arbor last Saturday, she’s been on my mind.
everything reminds me of her – everyone looks like her.
It’s crazy the way the pain subsides for so long and I think I’ve actually caught my breath and caught myself and lulled my world into some sense of normalcy then in the snap of a finger it’s like I’m trapped in 3-years-ago, trying to catch her and make her stay… trying to drink up every moment, every memory because the calm is gone and panic has set in and all I want to do is preserve the life we had.
Last night, driving back from Ann Arbor (again) I thoughtlessly put on a cd I hadn’t listened to in ages: November Naps. Of course, it was a mix for the mindless month I’d rather forget existed. And every song tugged on my heart. Song after song my eyes started to fill with more and more tears. And, instead of stopping at the store like I’d planned, I found myself at home, climbing onto a stool, taking down “our” photo album from the highest shelf… pictures I haven’t look at in far too long. My smile in the pictures was so genuine. And so was hers. Our happiness pours from every page. I cried myself to sleep within an hour.

And there she was in my dream. Peeking around corners as I wandered through an abandoned downtown. Smirking through windows lacking doors to find the other side. So close, so real. Yet untouchable, unreal. Gone when I woke up.

You’re everywhere but next to me, bunni.

Just now, as I’m watching Season 3 of the Vampire Diaries (which was just added to Netflix for my viewing pleasure) the song “A Drop in the Ocean” came on – one of the songs I played on repeat the weeks following bunni’s death. I guess I’ll take it as a “hello” from her.

Hello to you, too, dear. I miss you so much right now.

A drop in the ocean

A change in the weather

I was praying that you and me might end up together

It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert

But I'm holding you closer than most 'cause you are my heaven

-Ron Pope "A Drop In The Ocean"

Carpools&Carelessness

When I became the president of my chapter, I made the conscious decision to make it my top priority. My sisters and our chapter came before all else - including my downward spiraling girlfriend (who, I'd like to add, was the top proponent for my presidency). Though I tried to hold on to her, I'd taken an oath to love, care for, protect, and lead my chapter.

Thus, when it becomes painfully obvious to me that I've never been the priority for my sister I get really frustrated and feel really guilty that I neglected my bunni for people who have no problem neglecting me.

From things as simple as responding to a dinner-date invitation or actually following through on plans made, I take it personally when I'm put on the back burner. Maybe I'm hyper sensitive. Maybe I put her in places and situations she has nothing to do with. But I cant help but wondering that if I'd chosen bunni over the people who rarely chose to chose me, I may still have her to comfort me when these blow offs get me all worked up.

This mostly makes me realize that I have to stop caring so much. Not every canceled plan will result in a self-inflicted gun shot. Not every problem I can't solve will be as detrimental as some problems were. Not every unchangeable or failed moment is a direct result of my actions. Meaning, I shouldn't be so hard on myself to bend over backwards for my sister. And I should quit expecting that they'd ever do the same for me.

I am a product of my experiences, but not every experience will turn out the way certain ones did.