Missing Days

Sometimes I just wake up missing her. There’s a little part of my heart that I can feel has wondered off and I’ve got no choice in the matter. I know my mood will swing back and my smile will brighten again, but on those days, there’s just an aching. There's a void that makes its presence known inside my world ...without reason or explanation... even when the night before was wonderful, the morning brings a sadness that I can’t shake till it shakes itself. It makes me hurt for the people around me – the ones who enjoyed the same great night only to find confusion in my blank morning stares. If I could explain, I would. But sometimes, I don’t realize it’s one of those days until I really let myself think – really let the silence seep into my pours and acknowledge: today, I really miss her.

YellowBrickMoments

Halloween is always funny.

Sometimes Dorthy refuses to pay cover-charge and insists on reciting her home address.
Sometimes the Cowardly Lions finds herself dancing barefoot in the bar.
Sometimes the Scarecrow goes home with the Wicked Witch of the West.
Sometimes the Tinman bongs beers on fraternity front lawns.
Sometimes the Good Witch veers from the Yellow Brick Road just to lock lips with DuffMan.
And sometimes the Wizard realizes he’d rather be the Emerald City Asshole.
Crayons&Sailors mingle with Beer Girls&Rosie the Riveters.
Midnight belly laughs turn into mid-afternoon breakfast cravings.
Bags of wine become blurry pictures.
And the best friends a girl could ask for create another night of Halloween memories to remember.

Office Snacks

The people in my office are addicted to snacking. At least once a week someone brings in breakfast – Big Apple Bagel, Sweetwater’s Donuts, etc. – and at least once a week we have a lunch delivered – Pizza Hut, On the Border, etc. I tend not to eat a terrible diet (at least not on a regular basis) so, in general, twice a week I have to avoid whatever goodies have been brought in. It’s easy if there’s meat or dairy – I have solid excuses to respectfully decline. But these snackers love company and ask multiple times throughout the day why I’m not joining them or I simply walk into my cube to find candy on my keyboard. This morning – in honor of the holiday – I didn’t turn down a pumpkin muffin and some apple cider. Good decision. This Halloween snack was well worth eating.

Ghostly Opinons

Apparently Addy isn’t the biggest fan of Mr.U – and their mutual dislike for each other reared its head again yesterday. We’d just gotten back from a post-work brew-time at O’Duffy’s and were snuggling on my bed before proceeding to our separate evening plans. The overhead light was on and the TV off and it was still broad daylight outside.
So I’m giggling about something and the light shuts off. After a minute it flicks back on.
“Addy, are you being playful again?”
No response.
Mr.U – who’d rolled his eyes about me talking to my ghostly roommate – mentioned Addy's spike in activity when he's around.
“Addy, do you like him?”
No response.
“Addy, do you not like him?”
Quick flicker off then on.
We stared at each other – silently accepting that Addy had made her feelings known.

Irish Memories

Like I said before – after a lot of “running away” I’ve landed back in the exact place I’d been running from. Even closer, in fact, to that specific place of avoidance than I’d ever lived before. My new home is blocks from the apartment my bunni last lived in on this earth. Kitty-corner to that apartment is a Irish Pub she&I always planned to go to. I used to avoid that street like the plague, but the other night, I found myself walking down it through the brisk October chill to meet a couple girlfriends at O’Duffy’s. Through bunni’s haze of depression, we never did make it across the street and inside – I wish I wish I wish we had – but two years later on a random Wednesday I crossed the threshold for the both of us.
The atmosphere warmed me from the inside out and appealed to every aspect of my senses. From tin ceilings to the warm wood carved out around mirrors fogged from time, my mind wandered through the beauty and I couldn’t help regretting that we hadn’t ever made it in to experience the space together. Irish Ale and Frambois tickled my taste buds as I soaked in the evening – giggling&chatting with friends who would have loved her company at our table just as much as I would have.

It’s crazy how there’re memories inside a place I’ve never been.

Dessert&Laughter

I go back&forth about whether or not I think joining a sorority was worth its ups&downs. Nights like last night, though, remind me just how lucky I am to have found my amazing sisters.
Every Thursday night we do Dessert&Revenge – one girl makes dessert each week and we watch ABC’s Revenge (DVRd at a time when we can all meet). We often have fun Saturday events planned like last weekend’s trip to the Apple Orchard and pumpkin carving session and this weekend, of course, is going to be filled with Halloween fun.
Yeah, we go to the bar – get a little wild – but the days&nights that we just stay in and laugh till our stomach’s ache have become more important than the parties lately.

Country Sundays

Sometimes I party my weekends away.
Other times, I calmly enjoy downtime at my grandparents old farm house in the country.
Last weekend, was all about calm&relaxation with the old folks.

Making Breakfast. Eating Snacks. Riding Bikes. Watching Football. Playing Cards.

Playful Lights

Addy was very active last night. I’m not sure if it was the company of Mr.U that was getting her all excited or the thunder storm, but she was playing with the lights and making lots of noises.
While Mr.U and I were snuggled down to watch “Last Chance Harvey” the overhead light turned off. Dismissing it as “old house quirks” we didn’t think much of it.
Then it turned back on.
After about 3 more rounds of on&off, we heard a tapping from the closet.
A consistent tap.
Tap.Tap.Tap.
There’s nothing in my closet that couldn’t make this tapping noise – everything is far too packed in.
I had already mentioned Addy to Mr.U – who isn’t a huge ghost fan – and assured him that she’s nice.
“Are you just being playful, Addy?” I giggled into the darkness.
The light flipped on and right back off.
My whole body froze.
She tapped softly till we fell asleep.

Veggie YumYums

My dad is a wiz in the kitchen. We always joke that he couldn’t stand how poorly my mom fed us as kids, so he perfected cooking to save us from microwaved hamburger in tomato soup and chocolate chip cookies for dinner. Whatever his reasons – he’s an amazing cook now. And he loveloveloves to whip up whatever anyone’s little heart desires.
Generally, his dishes surround meat. Ribs for a family feast, sausage breakfast sandwiches, top-sirloin chili, but when his little girl needs the vegetarian option, he’s quick to experiment in the world of meat-less meals.
Over the 4th of July this year, he introduced me to a new version of a veggie burger that I quickly grew addicted to. Made mostly from grains, it stays away from tofu&soy – “fake meat” is not my thing – and packs a ton of fiber for my silly, little belly. Sandwiched in wholegrain flat bread & topped with green olives, this deliciously salty burger is now one of my favorite meals.

Protein Thin

I rarely rarely rarely eat meat – haven’t since I was 3-years-old. I bit into a chicken nugget at McD’s and the black mass I found inside grossed me out so much that I told my mom never to give me meat again. Since my parents are very literal, straight-forward people, they said “ok” and stopped giving me meat.
I never really got a handle on replacing my protein, though. Thus, for 20 years of my life, I’ve been eating eggs&nuts – not really caring whether or not I had enough protein intake.
A few summers ago I was diagnosed as severely anemic.
RedFlag. You need protein, girl.
So, I tried&failed for a while – gained some weight, which was part of the issue – and went right back to my protein-free life. Now I’ve started drinking a protein supplement.
35calorie unsweetened almond milk with 2 scoops of protein a day.
I’m not going to lie – I’m morbidly afraid these added fat&calories outside my "norm" is gonna pack on the pounds. But I’m trying.

Mr.U says that I shouldn’t lose any weight anyway, because he “isn’t attracted to bony-skinny-girls.” It’s a nice attempt to ease my anxiety, but I honestly don’t believe that anyone isn’t attracted to thin… they’ve just learned to live with chub.

Constructive Seasons

The one good thing about the season change around here is the fact that construction can’t continue through snow. I wait&wait for summer so I can drive around with my windows down & music blasting, soaking up the warm air – only to get stuck in construction no matter which route I take. Once the ice&snow comes, though, heaven forbid construction should slow me down on my commute to whatever cold destination I’m headed toward. Ofcourse, Betty has no air-conditioning… so I’m trying to decide whether or not I really miss the summer construction standstills or if I’m looking forward to blasting the heat on my feet and plowing through snow banks.

Giggle Money

So I have this little, Chinese prof who’s impossible to understand.
This irritates the crap outa me.
I pay far too much money for my education to need subtitles for my professor.
The worst part is her nervous giggle, though.
When she doesn’t know why someone is saying – which is often – or she doesn’t know how to respond, she just giggles. The giggle wouldn’t bother me if she only did it when she was confused, but she’s pretty arrogant – considering she doesn’t even speak our language – so she giggles at our answers all the time, too.
You can’t use your giggle as a disguise when you’re confused and a weapon when you disagree with us, teach – it’s rude.
It reminds me of that Sex & the City episode when Miranda thinks the take-out girl is laughing at her for always ordering the same thing… I’d rather be watching Sex & the City for 2.5 hours every Thursday night, though, than listening to this woman gabber.

She gave us Chinese money for doing well on our midterm.
That wasn't enough to redeem her, though.

Good Fortune

I’ve had this fortune for ages – I think its hung in every cubical I’ve ever worked in.
I think it knew me too well.

I tend to ignore the great things.
I tend to create problems in my head if everything is going well.
I tend to not look for the good.

Sometimes, though, everything is great and I know it is.
If I look around right now – happiness is everywhere.
It’s definitely caught me.

Cocoon Time

Mr.U (my ‘nickname’ for Mr.Unnicknameable) has pointed out to me that I have a “cocooning thing” when it comes to bed&blankets. Our first night spending a whole night together, I stole all the covers and tucked them around me – unintentionally, I promise. He was freezing and I had three layers wrapped around my feet. Woops. Eventually I woke up to his shivering and shared the warmth.
I’ve always known that I do this, though. I hate sheets for the sheer fact that they’re un-tuckable when they’re folded under the edge of the bed.
untuckable = unacceptable
I like to be wrapped up like a little burrito when it’s sleepy-time and I doubt my habit will ever change. Hence why I’m an awful snuggler.
It’s chicken OR steak in a burrito – not both.
It’s me in my blanket & you in your blanket.
Go ahead and fall asleep next to me… in your own cocoon.

SaladsAllDay

.I.Love.Salads.

Salad is one of the food phases I go on the most often.

I'm very particular about my salads, though. Every bite needs to be manageable. I hate when I order a salad and the lettuce is in massive chucks or the cherry tomatoes are whole. How am I supposed to put that in my mouth, people?
Thus, I tend to most enjoy my homemade salads. I cut&break up every last vegetable and buy the smallest fatfree croutons around. Then, every bite is delicious and has a little bit of everything in it.
Perfect.

Fall Hugs

The FallColors came and went far too quickly this year.
I got a few good days outdoors to enjoy the beautiful season change, though.
I took a breath-taking walk with Mr.Unnicknameable through a park outside Detroit.
Even our highway-drive home was splashed with bright red, burnt orange, and vibrant yellow leaves.
And just days before the weather turned completely cold&rainy, my roommate, the puppymonster, & I went for a walk through “the bogs” near our home.
I’m so glad we soaked up the beauty while we could.

I miss the FallColors already – it’s like an old friend whose warm hug I wait an entire year for.
It’s well worth the wait.

Nickname Sally

I'm addicted to nicknames. I've definitely been a member of the Facebook Group "I Call People By Nicknames They'll Never Know" for years&years. In general, I do it so I can talk about people without them knowing. #Hashtag So&So on Twitter and they'll have no idea that I'm complaining about them. Text What'sHerName about BlaBlaBla while they're sitting right next to me on the couch. Yeah, it's vindictive&bitchy. I don't care.
My nicknames aren't always negative, though. Sometimes I just don't want someone to know I'm thinking&talking about them as much as I am. Right now I want to nickname the boy who's holding my attention, yet nothing seems to fit. I shouldn't&never have this much trouble - but I feel like I'll be saying this nickname a lot, so I want it to be really good.
Weird. Weird. Weird.
I strongly dislike caring this much.

Pot Salad

"Sounds good to me."

Boxed Memories

"Though that sadness had subsided, the darkness remained.
Though our emotions were irrational, our conversations were very literal.
We talked about everything. My take-it-as-it-comes objective surrounded us and, though my belief in the success of “first love” spun inside her head, we talked about the world like it was just something we were doing, some place we were passing through –our souls had greater universes to conquer together.
We talked about suicide&death so often, I became numb to the idea of dying. “I’d never overdose. I’m not a pussy. I’d have balls and shoot myself.” “If one of us dies, the other has to come back to Disney World and buy two tickets for both of us.” She’d joke about walking through the Magic Kingdom, holding my hand made of air, buying us a soft pretzel to share, & spinning on the tea cups till she threw up.
We’d write down every memory, so that we could “open boxes” when we missed each other –boxes full of smiles and interlocking fingers. She knew that I’d be surviving on those boxes that Sunday night when I talked to her.
“If I don’t see you, there’s a box in the closet.”
“Well good. You should think about those boxes next time you’re upset with me.” I irritated blurted in retaliation to her recent text insults sent through one of her drug-induced stupors.
“I know. There’s a box for you, though. I love you.”
Numbed.
Had I not been numbed, I would have realized that particular box was different –a box that I’d find without her being there... when I wouldn’t
“see her.” " - excerpt from the novel I plan to finish someday


Boxed Memory: Roller Skating on Valentine's Day - she was too afraid to roll around the rink, but I held her hand and loved every moment anyway.

Mean Girl #1

After a little research, I’ve learned that Mean Girl #1 is mean to everyone – except men. Go figured. She’s got a funky name and she’s not very cute, thus, I bet she’s been mean her whole life to make up for her unfortunate circumstances.
I can’t hate her for that.
Like I said before: brush it off. I’ve been looked down on by women who secretly look up to me my whole life. It’s not my fault they don’t have the self-control to say “no” to that 2nd piece of pizza or the self-motivation to say “yes” to an evening jog. And apparently my easy, fun personality and relatively good looks make me the perfect target for the darting eyes and nasty smirks of jealous fellow females.
I’d rather be the object of their irritation than down on their level.

Section 240

The Lions will always remind me of fall in Michigan. Watching them on Thanksgiving has been a given in my family since I can remember the holiday existing.
This season, I’ve had the honor of attending two Lion’s games. Never having been to Ford Field, I was so excited to attend my first game – and it wasn’t just any game, it was the first ever Lion’s Monday Night Football game at Ford Field. Amazing. Even more amazing: if I wouldn’t have gotten absurdly drunk, kicked out, and lost [alone] in downtown Detroit.
Live and learn, though, and since I did live through the first one, [against all odds] I made it a goal to behave for the next. My “Lion’s Date” deserves more from me than a blacked-out shitshow falling all over Section 240. And the atmosphere in that stadium is well worth the lack of liquid-fun.
Even with the loss last Sunday, there’s something about football fans that makes me really happy – especially fans who finally get to watch their beloved team have a good season.

Keeping Score

This boy I’ve spent some time with lately is a pretty smart man. We spent Saturday afternoon tailgating with a much older crowd in his hometown for the UofM vs. State game. Two of our good friends – who have been dating for a while now – joined us. When an older gentleman asked VPBF&I if we wanted to hop inside his RV for a drink, we had no problem with the idea. Ciroc&Cranberry on a warm, comfy seat with a nice, small-town man seemed perfect in the chilly afternoon air. King didn’t really like the idea, though – cause its entirely realistic that one of us planned to jump this old dude’s bones – and he followed us into the RV to (well, let’s be honest) babysit. I – on the other hand – was left alone. Confidence that I’ll come back to is an incredibly attractive quality – jealousy is not a characteristic I tolerate.+1pt for you, Sir.
(and +1 rather loud reward that evening)

SweetTooth Garbage

I have a SweetTooth. Not a very bad one – I’m definitely a SaltySnacker.
But, I do love my mom’s homemade chocolate chip cookies, white cake with vanilla ButterCream frosting, and fudge brownies.
And, I have absolutely no self-control when it comes to the things that I love.

So, I end up making or acquiring goodies, then throwing them out before eating them all. It’s a sad habit, but the SweetTooth tummy ache must be avoided.

Woops.

NeedyGirl

I pride myself on never needing anybody. I’m not sure if it’s my “near death experience” of getting stranded in the downtown of a dangerous city with no phone or wallet that’s getting to me or simply the time of the month, but I’m feeling incredibly needy. Last night I re-organized my room for hours after walking the puppymonster and, once I’d finally made my comfy-queen-bed just the way I wanted it, I dreaded the idea of climbing in alone.
I love being alone.
I dislike not being alone.
I never want someone in my bed.
It’s my bed, not theirs.
I’m not a snuggler.
I’m not a bed-sharer.
But, right now, all I want to do is share my bed – nuzzle down under someone’s armpit and watch their chest rise&fall with each breath.
I never feel this way.
I don’t want things like that.
At this moment, though, I most definitely do.
“you were on my mind nine tenths of yesterday...”
Kimya Dawson – My Rollercoaster

photo taken by: the roommate

GimmeThat Attention

I go in spurts with people like I go in spurts with food. Some days, all I want to eat is carrots. So, I eat carrots till I’m sick of them. Sometimes, all I want is the attention of one person. So, I soak up their world till I don’t care for it anymore. In some cases, though, I’m only allowed to stay until they’ve had their fill of me.
I spent the past few days with someone who’s time I thoroughly enjoyed occupying. I don’t want either one of us to be over it yet. Thus, I have to tweak the approach I’ve been using forever. This is strange and very out of character. But, let the games begin.

This is Addy.
the ghost of my new room.
she’s carefree.
and I dig her.

Spotless Mind

Monday night should have been wonderful. Monday Night Football with good weather and great company. But, instead, I let myself slip into emotional drunk mode and ball my eyes out over someone who voluntarily left this world almost two years ago.
Frustrating.
I hate myself when I do that.
I hate her for still making me miserable and I hate myself for still letting it bother me.
I know, I know – this takes time. I've been told. Everyone’s told me:
“someday you’ll be fine.”
“someday it won’t hurt like it does.”
“someday it’ll be better.”
Well, that someday needs to come faster. I’m sick of getting emotional over something that’s out of my control. It’s embarrassing to cry at a tailgate and irritating to cry at all. Times like these make me wish I could just erase her. But I know my soul would miss the good times – my soul would still know her.

This whole “someday” thing is bullshit…

Adventures in JLo

Sundays have become "Veg Out with Movies" day for my friend and I. Today it's Adventures in Wonderland (twice since we didn't pay attention the first time around) then El Cantante & Gili with confetti cake & vanilla frosting.
Can't complain.

Clutter Front

"Mine's the one with the shit all over the porch."

Bangin' Bangs

I have a love-hate relationship with my bangs.

FriesAllDay

.I.Love.French.Fries.

I could eat fries for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
(Of course, I'd miss eggs&candy...)
I think it's because I haven't eaten meat for so long that I got used to expecting to eat "sides" as a meal in restaurants. I love any kind of potato and french fries top the list. Any kind of french fry. My dad makes delicious homemade ones. Burger King has my favorite fastfood ones. So many restaurants have awesome steak fries that I get far too excited to eat.
My best friend gave up fries to lose weight for her wedding...
I can't even imagine.

Weekend Paint

The Progression of a Painting

Black Betty

I’ve driven the same gray Blazer since I turned 16. Her name is Betty and I honestly consider her one of my best friends. We’ve been everywhere together - through everything together.
My first day with an official license I drove her to Grease auditions leading to a summer as Sandy in a community theater production. We went to Florida and back 3 times – once to actually live in the heat for a semester. I packed her up and moved to college – put down the back seat and piled people in to party in the woods – fell asleep in the back with my girlfriend when we felt unwelcome in our own home.
I’ve grown up with Betty. And, like anything that’s stood next to me through time, I’ve gone through some hardship with Betty.
She heard my heart-wrenching shrieks when my baby committed suicide – sat patiently next to me while I sobbed on cold pavement in a parking lot – carried my memories when I packed up an apartment full of belongings willed to me.
People judge her for her tattered appearance, but they don’t know what she’s been through. In a way – we’re one in the same… we’ll survive these endlessinbetweens until I bury her in my backyard.

Oil&Rain

This week has been absolutely beautiful – apparently Fall isn’t ready to embrace frost and fallen leaves yet. Thus, I’ve been soaking up the glorious weather before it gives in to the winter wonderland just around the corner.
Just last week, though, I felt like I’d fallen into a time-warp and woken up during Spring – rain, rain everyday…

When I have no important activities that would be hindered by wet pant legs, I do tend to enjoy rainfall and the unique things it does to the landscape. The mix of city&nature surrounds me in my new neighborhood and I couldn’t help but love the reaction of motor oil and raindrops on cold, damp pavement.