Cycle of Ridicule

When you’re always taught you’re never good enough you eventually believe it’s actually true. But it isn’t. I had to learn that. I grew up with a dad who [yes] loved me, but had a funny way of showing it – like settling for nothing less than perfection. Considering I’m far from perfect and I came out of the womb incredibly headstrong, I marched to the beat of my own drum while he scowled in disappointment at my actions. Since I flew the coop and survived on my own, I’ve learned that he was [in fact] proud of me, just not in the typically-showy-father-way. Meaning I spend at least 19 years assuming I’d never be good enough. This is probably where my combination personality of tough-yet-people-pleasing buried itself deep into my brain.
Sometimes Mr.U can’t wrap his head around the little things I apologize for or worry about. Sometimes I can’t calm myself down when I know something won’t go right – whether or not I have control of the outcome. But all the time I’ve known that I had to figure things out myself (which tends to frustrate my Mr. when I refuse his help or assume he won’t understand what I want…) and that only I could be the one to create my own success.
Other people with fathers who didn’t build them up, though, go in an opposite direction. They may have the inner determination, but they allow themselves to rely&settle because they’ve been taught to believe they aren’t good enough. When I see this characteristic in my beautiful&capable friends it makes my heart ache for them – I know the feeling and I wish I could bottle my drive to overcome it for them. Just like falling off a bike makes some people never want to try again while others hop back on to tame the two-wheeled beast, reactions to a father’s disappointment&ridicule vary from person to person and I can only hope for the realization of one’s own capabilities to outweigh their upbringing before they’ve slid too deep.