Fall Outfits

Baby, it's been gettin' cold outside.

Day with Dad

I spent most of the 3-Year-Anniversary Day of Bunni’s Death with her dad

who's relationship I feel so blessed to have in my life.

(When I let myself think about it, I ache the most for him

...

and I wish for his happiness over anyone who lost our beautiful girl.)

After breakfast with RickyBobby, I stopped at Starbucks to pick up a traveler of coffee for the cemetery. When I ordered it, the barista seemed a little irritated with my request, but attempted to be polite and ask me if I was going anywhere fun in need of coffee. Without thinking I responded “to a cemetery” and his face dropped in sadness. I reassured him that I didn’t mean to make him uncomfortable, but it was still an awkwardly comical Starbucks moment. I then headed to the cemetery with my coffee and El Tigre to sit with her brother&bestfriend. They were late, of course – cause they’re on their own schedule – so I had some time to sit alone on the windy, cloudy day...allowing myself to think about the girl I'd loved&lost and still miss so very much. After a little smoke upon their arrival, I headed to her dad’s, who I planned to watch movies with all night, but we got sucked into college football, so we munched&watched&chilled in our usual seats in front of the TV with sweatpants&cigarettes. We both woke up extra early in the morning and watched the sun rise on the snow covered ground leading to the lake and discussed the life Bunni's Envoy had been leading as-of-late. I thought it was long gone since her dad had finally gotten a new car for himself, but apparently he'd just been storing&fixing her and lending her out when his employees&son when in need of a spare car. I'll admit that I was rediculously excited when I pulled into the driveway the night before the find the Envoy sparkling in front of the garage. We all know about my overwhelming emotional attatchment to my own Betty, and after the nights Bunni&I spent sleeping&surviving in the driveway of our sorority house, the Envoy wiggled it's way pretty deeply into my good memories. So anyway, we chit-chatted over morning coffee, finished a movie - Phenomenon - we'd fell asleep in the middle of, then I headed back home around noon.

I actually found myself really missing Mr.U a couple times throughout the night, which I think is a good sign. I still very much miss my Bunni and wish she was still here and were were still “us.” But it’s nice to know I’ve found someone who can make my heart as happy as she did. And, I think she wanted me to be happy when she left, so – in an odd way – I’m probably pleasing her.

First Snow

Mr.U&I were lounging in the living room post-BlackFriday-shopping

when I glanced up to see snow falling outside.

Excitedly, I ran to the door yelling “It’s snowing!”

after snapping a picture of a few flakes on the fallen leaves

I remembered:

I Don’t Like Snow.

It’s pretty

…

for a minute

…

then I get over it

and burry my head in wishes for spring.

Thursday's Loss

The Detroit Lions have a magical ability for finding new ways to lose.

After a horrible call by the refs and an unnecessary review flag from Coach Schwartz, the energy in the stadium went from buzzing&excited to angry&frustrated with “Boooos” booming from every direction and rumbling inside my body. Every single time – from that moment on – that a ref was shown on the big screen, the boooos boomed again and the Lions never quite recovered, though they've started off with such energy, and even with the extra over-time to pull out a win. I felt like the emotional highs&lows of the game seriously beat me down. My brain felt like mush and my heart seemed to ache as we walked back to our car to drive home. Mr.U attempted to “say one thing then move on” from the loss, but we couldn’t help going through every horrible play and missed opportunity that led to the last-minute downfall and loss of our Lions. It was so incredibly frustrating and I needed a rest before dinner.

Someday… Lions, please win for us. These season ticket holders will love you through anything, but another winning season – with a playoff appearance – would be absolutely wonderful.

The halftime show was pretty funny, though - at least the people who were so excited to see it. I'd never heard the Detroit song Kid Rock played, but the effects were pretty cool. This big circle thing dropped down from the ceiling displaying images the whole time and the field was filled with female, youth dancers who had a pretty sweet routine. All-in-all, it was a great game with a good halftime show and an anything-but-good ending.

Small Meal

This year’s Thanksgiving was much different than the Thanksgivings I grew up with. Obviously, the past 3 years have been strange… actually, the past 4, since the year before Bunni’s death my family spent in Disney World. Long-story-short, Thanksgiving just isn’t my holiday.

This year was enjoyable in a very small way. Mr.U&I woke up with hangovers and slowly got ourselves downtown for the Lion’s game. Close – but no potato on that win – then headed home for dinner with his mom. She prepared all of the goodies and bought the most amazing pumpkin pie I’ve ever had. I cleaned off the table and set it up with some cute Thanksgiving trinkets and glasses of a sweet white wine.

I’ve never had such a little Thanksgiving dinner, but it was nice&peaceful and I love both of them, so I obviously enjoyed it.

Your Smile

"I held her close for only a short time, but after she was gone, I'd see her smile on the face of a perfect stranger & I knew she would be there with me all the rest of my days."

-Brian Andreas

Hear Me: I love you.

Always in a rush

Never stay on the phone long enough

Why am I so self-important?

Said I'd see you soon

But that was, oh, maybe a year ago

Didn't know time was of the essence

So many questions

But I'm talking to myself

I know that you can't hear me any more

Not anymore

So much to tell you

And most of all goodbye

But I know that you can't hear me any more

It's so loud inside my head

With words that I should have said

And as I drown in my regrets

I can't take back the words I never said

I never said

I can't take back the words I never said

Always talking shit

Took your advice and did the opposite

Just being young and stupid

I haven't been all that you could've hoped for

But if you'd held on a little longer

You'd have had more reasons to be proud

So many questions

But I'm talking to myself

I know that you can't hear me any more

Not anymore

So much to tell you

And most of all goodbye

But I know that you can't hear me any more

It's so loud inside my head

With words that I should have said

And as I drown in my regrets

I can't take back the words

The longer I stand here

The louder the silence

I know that you're gone but sometimes I swear that I hear

Your voice when the wind blows

So I talk to the shadows

Hoping you might be listening 'cos I want you to know

It's so loud inside my head

With words that I should have said

And as I drown in my regrets

I can't take back the words I never said

I never said

I can't take back the words I never said

Never said

I can't take back the words I never said

Words - Skylar Grey

Paper Memories

My mom gave me a box of stuff I’d left in Betty the last time I was home and I finally sorted through it yesterday.

I have a habit of saving all receipts&cards&papers from before 11.24.09 and obviously the contents of Betty were a direct reflection of that. I looked through the crinkled&fading items and couldn’t help but smile at the memories they evoked.

A receipt from the weekend after my 21st birthday made me smile the most. We’d gone to Metro – the only ‘gay bar’ in Kalamazoo – and downed a bunch of booze&barfood in the middle of the day and simply enjoyed each other’s company. We’d had a rough couple of months… and we’d just lost one of our dear friends to lupis… so we attempted to make sense of it all – including our relationship that’d been failing&falling apart. We had a way of slipping back into our groove very easily, though, and that day was no exception. After months of ups&downs, we sat on grungy barstools and giggled like the downs had never happened. I was staying on campus that summer as an orientation student leader and I had to be back before the curfew I’d agreed to abide by, so I wandered inside and she followed close behind – breaking a rule by spending the night.

But that’s what Bunni&I did:
broke rules and made each other happy.

Detroit Traffic

Traffic on our work route is often ridiculous.

I know there are bad drivers all over the place, but this city seems to collect the absolutely worst and allow them access to every road they shouldn’t be allowed on.

This was the view we came upon after sitting in a 30 minute traffic jam.

No joke.

People shamelessly pull off the road anywhere they feel like, pull out through multiple lanes of traffic, and pull into oncoming traffic to shortcut to their destinations. It’s absurd, annoying, and – sadly – starting not to surprise my anymore when I see crazy scenes like this one.

Oy.

This years...

Maybe I’m blocking it out so well this year because this year is full of regret. The past two, I was simply sad. This year, whenever I think about her, I barely even miss her… I just get mad at myself. I just think about how pathetic it is for me to be missing her 3 years later, when I could have saved her and not be missing her at all. I can’t stop thinking about how wonderful she was and how easy it would have been to talk her off that ledge and get her help. I can’t stop thinking about how much I wish I could take that last month and get my shit together for her. All too often I wake up and look at my phone thinking I’ll have a missed call from her. But that’s impossible, because I answered her last phone call and basically told her to get over herself and figure out how to treat me better before she called back. Now she never will. I shouldn’t be allowed to peacefully miss her. I’m the one who let her go.

Busy Girl

I’ve been incredibly busy lately.

Who am I kidding?

I’m still busy without an end in sight till New Years, really.

And I suppose I like it that way. Busy keeps my mind off the month&memories. But when it’s silent&calm around me, my head buzzes with my bunni. Songs come on that seem to exude her. TV shows remind me of us. Moments I can’t distract myself through seep her name into my head. And, I really don’t mind. We had a wonderful romance that I never want to forget… and all the laundry, shopping, and workdays can’t completely rid my mind of it (no matter the time of year). I’m glad I’ve been distracted, but it makes me feel guilty… like I should be missing her more than I’m allowing myself. And it makes me a little scared that once I finally fall apart, I’ll ache too hard for longer than I’d like.

I guess we’ll see.

For now, I’ll keep folding, crafting, and cooking.

Back To You

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do

I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much

than to drown in your love

and not feel your rain.

Set me free, leave me be.

I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while

and all my fragile strength is gone.

Set me free, leave me be.

I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see

that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down
You're on to me, on to me, and all over...
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.

"Gravity" - SARA BAREILLES

OldTime Tailgate

This weekend’s Lion’s tailgate was just like old times

–

in the Marilyn Monroe Lot with a bunch of frat boys.

It was a fun change considering we haven’t done much tailgating this season. It was freezing and I spent most of the time in Gloria with my hands glued to the heating vents, but we drank more beers than we’ve tended to before this season’s games and I suppose we have to spice up our lives every once in a while.

After the game, we took a nice walk to a friend’s loft downtown to hang out for a while, which made me want to move downtown and live in the slowly developing metropolis… maybe someday.

Tap&Lounge

RickyBobby&I decided to try out the new sports bar, TAP, in the MGM Grand Casino over the weekend. We were in desperate need of a just-the-two-of-us dinner and one of our girlfriend’s boyfriend just started working there. There was an incredibly long wait, so we figured we’d try to find a spot at the bar and ended up having eating our whole meals at the cement-poured counter-top between some middle-aged men. I got a wedge salad and she got a shrimp pasta, which were both pretty delicious and reasonably priced. Then we split an apple crisp for dessert – one of my personal favorites. And our drinks were in mix&match mason jars, which I thought was a great touch. It was so nice to simply chit-chat and enjoy an evening. Though we were packed inside a busy&buzzing casino, it was a cozy, little dinner-date. As we were leaving, I saw a quarter under my bar stool, bent down to pick it up, then said “jack-pot” somewhat loudly as I proudly held the coin in my fingers.

…probably not the correct thing to say in a casino restaurant since everyone whipped around the look at me… but I thought it was a lucky find.

We then wandered to a couple slots, so RickyBobby could win some money like always then headed to the Falls Lounge in Dearborn to meet Mr.U and some of his buddies for some beers. It was a silly dive-bar with a somewhat grungy crowd, ending our evening with a well-rounded place. All in all, a great time as usual.

Half Here

You put your hand on top of mine
you're talking fast but talking blind
and I can't bring myself to meet your eyes

'cos death is slowly covering you
in galaxies of black and blue
and under your skin all his colours bloom

And you're only half here
like someone left a frail body and took the rest

But I remember when you were strong
never wanted help from no-one
what you've become is not who I remember

Is this the cooling of the embers?

She's off again through summers past
the smell of rain and freshly cut grass
seems those ordinary days are the ones that last

Cos he was there, the one you loved
the one you never could let go of
and there's something you know as you're looking up

That your only half here
like someone left a frail body and stole the rest

But I remember when you were strong
never wanted help from no-one
what you've become is not who I remember

Is this the cooling of the embers?
is this the cooling of the embers?

Cos you are not who I remember
it's like you are a child, you are a child, you are a child once more
and all of our yesterday's have gone

You put your hand on top of mine
you're talking fast but talking blind
and I can't bring myself to meet your eyes...

"Cooling of the Embers" - Missy Higgins

Unknown Reactions

You can never definitively know what you’d do in certain situations.

You can think of options

…claim a passionate stance on one reaction vs. another…

take for instance the reaction Aria’s mom has

in Season 2 of Pretty Little Liars when Mike’s depressed

and hits her to get her out of his room.

She chooses to hide the violence from her husband,

which irritated me because I felt that if he was depressed

he’d need guidance&help

instead of enablement of the issue by ignoring the problem.

I blurted out my opinion

…then thought about it…

I should have gotten her help

when she became violent in her depression.

I should have told people how bad she’d gotten.

I should have done anything but accept&ignore it.

I knew she was hurting

and

I should have known her actions were a cry for help

…in one way or another…

and should have done something about it.

I can say so easily now that I’d help or say something

…

that I’d fight for someone’s mental health if they were acting out

…

that I’d see the signs&symptoms

and

never let anyone slip away again.

 

But I guess that’s not so true

because some people I’ve backed away from

and taken the hint that they cant&wont take my help.

I supposed if someone actually falls completely apart again

I’ll have to deal with my own conscious.

Silent Thoughts

I know that I've successfully shut myself off

when I wake up and realize

that I haven't spoken to anyone in days.

I distract my mind with a million random "other things"

and

shut in all messiness that's trying to seep through my thoughts.

This month gets me.

I know - I know - we all know

...

sometimes I'm sure I can hear the world telling me:

shut the fuck up and get over it already.

I'd rather not hear it out loud from anyone

though

so I'll lock the door to my mind

-

keeping everything out of reach

from those who'd roll their eyes in irritation.

But just because my mouth is shut

doesn't mean I'm not aching.

And just because my face is strong

and

my eyes are blank

doesn't mean what's behind them isn't melting.

I'm sure November will forever feed on my soul.

And I'll survive.

But a part of me breaks away

and

holds itself within this month.

Favorites Weekend

This past weekend I made the long 5ish hour treck across state to visit one of my best friends from college. Her and her husband, Mr.&Mrs.Jones got a new puppy, JuneBug, that I had to meet. And I was in desperate need of some Chicago bar time with my favorite Chicago girl. I got in late Friday night. We had some drinks, some other goodies, some crackers&cheese, and watched Hugo. In the late-Saturday-morning we headed out to my favorite spot - the Pick Me Up Cafe - for drinks&brunch. We played with the puppy all afternoon and napped on their big, puffy couches until I headed into town to meet my brothers&sister-in-law for dinner at the Grand Lux Cafe. Afterwards we made Oatmeal Creampies and laid around some more before getting ready for a night out at Timothy O'Tooles where my sister-in-law&brother met us after the Bulls game. I've never really "gone out" with my sister-in-law, but I've always had fun with her when we've gotten chances to go Antiquing&ArtHopping. Thus, I was probably a little too eager to hang out with her in downtown Chicago. We squeezed in enough bar stools to enjoy some appitizers&drinks late into the night - laughing about silly stories invoving CashMonster and my nephew. It was a great great time. The next morning, none of us felt too hot, so we lounged until we found the energy to make breakfast and turn on the Sunday afternoon football games. I finally decided to start my long drive home as the sun was setting. All in all it was a wonderful weekend filled with booze&treats, friends&family, puppies&sunshine.

Lights&Sprouts

Mr.U&I hung out after work last night to have dinner with RickyBobby at Red Fox, an English Pub around the corner from our office that I really like. Since we had some time to kill, we wandered around our little work town for a while – holding hands and checking out the Christmas lights. The city does a great job with classy holiday decorations. And since it gets dark so early now and weather has gotten so chilly, it was the perfect little stroll.
(made even better because we don’t have any snow yet)
All-in-all a pretty great evening and my balsamic-vinegar-roasted-brussel-sprouts were like the icing on the cake.

Family Tree

I got a facebook message from a sorority sister recently – one who I’ve never met, but is part of my “family.” She’s making a Family Tree for her grandlittles and wanted my line to add to the list. So I drew her a quick tree and sent on the picture.

It made me miss things...

the people…

the days when our “greek connections” were enough to form overpowering loyalty…

the days when “taking a little” meant becoming a mother-figure and feeling genuine pride&accomplishment in the “baby” I’d adopted…

the days when my Bunni was there – with her own crazy littles – and our biggest worries were what we wanted to drink that night.

I mindlessly wrote the names.

Read them back.

And ached.

Everything changes, but the Family Tree remains…

and younger sorority generations who’ve never even met us will have our names written on their memories.

Voting

I’ll be incredibly happy when the election is over. These political ads are driving me absolutely nuts. I’ve had to banish Mr.U to the basement so I don’t have to watch his endless hours of MSNBC. But – even though I am sick&tired of hearing about it – I did most definitely cast my votes (however pointless they may have been). And it was not – by any stretch of the imagination – a simple task to accomplish. In order to receive my absentee ballot, I had to print&fill out a form then fax it to my mother who had to sign&deliver it to the clerk at my county courthouse. Had I not had her help, I’d have mailed it. I received my ballot in the mail about a week later. In the envelope inside the envelope was a secret ballot envelope and 2 pages of instructions. I’m not exaggerating … it took me about 2 hours to read&complete my ballot. But it was worth it. I may think politics are completely obnoxious and I’d rather tune everyone and their opinions out all the time, but I do think voting is a duty anyone who is able should complete.

 Let’s see if any of my people won and how those damn proposals turn out.

Breakfast&Grandparents

Sunday morning – after gaining an extra hour of sleep from daylight savings time – grandpa decided to make frenchtoast&sausage for breakfast. I sat at the island in the kitchen watching him and grandma work on the delicious smelling yumyums.

They are too cute – the way they work together …bumping into each other and asking questions the other one can’t hear or respond to. Grandma starts a task and grandpa finishes it (like usual). And eventually the table is set and the meal is ready.

 Any meal at gma&gpa’s is wonderful and this breakfast was no exception, so Mr.U&I enjoyed quite a few pieces of cinnamon french toast before heading back to our side of the state.

FriendshipFrustration

I've complained about this friend before.

We grew up together.
She always had everything...
the must-have toys
the most expensive clothes
the affection of everyone.
She went to an expensive university
(that I'd introduced her to)
- on her parents dime -
met a tall-dark-handsome man in a coffee shop
who married her within a year
(in a wedding I was left out of for other high school friends)
and worships the ground her tiny body walks on.
She immediately got her dream job after graduation
and got pregnant with their first child
whose development was captured
on the professional grade camera
she's got for her 'photography business.'
Now that he's arrived
I get to hear comments about how 'huge' her 5'1" 100lb body is post-pregnancy.
Since I was moving across the state on her baby shower weekend
(and was only invited via facebook message)
I figured a small gift this weekend would be sweet
since she'd informed me her little family would be in our home town
and she expected a visit.
Mr.U&I planned to unnecessarily spend the night in town to see them,
but at 6am, I got the texts that she
"hadn't slept enough and wouldn't be good company,"
so we'd have to raincheck till the holidays.

I was hurt.
She's made a lot of hurtful&neglectful gestures over the years
and this was the icing on the cake.
I've gone out if my way one too many times without reciprocation
and I don't know why I allow myself to keep hoping after all the letdowns.
So the Lions socks we planned to give baby will go to Mr.U's new cousin
and I'll see my childhood friend & her family when she makes a little effort.

Construction Birthday

This weekend was my nephews 2nd Birthday. I can’t believe it’s been a year since his last party … I mean, I know mathematically it makes sense, but time just seems to be flying by. Last year was Barn Yard themed and this year, my cute&creative sister-in-law went for a Construction theme. Starting with the yellow&black invitation we got in the mail, I knew she’d put together a wonderful, Iittle party.
Hopping out of the car, we were greeted by CashMonster and some cautionary construction signs on the front door of the house. Inside, the island was set with an invitation to “Dig In” to
Nuts&Bolts chex mix
the Sandwich Construction Station with deli meats&rolls&spreads
and “Screw Mac&Cheese” with fun noodles.
The cake was a Construction Site masterpiece topped with heavy machinery and edible rocks (some of which had very unexpectedly interesting flavors).
My little nephew wasn’t so fond of sitting still to open gifts – but he gave it his best effort and excitedly appreciated all his new toys&clothes&books. He also (and obviously) had no trouble hamming it up for his audience either – bursting into cheesy laughter and showing off his little belly while all eyes were on him. At one point he got upset when some of his new gifts were moved to make room for more presents and my brother thoroughly impressed me with his ticktacks to stop the crying …allowing him to sit on his lap and examine himself in the flipped screen of the video camera.

One things for sure: that little 2-year-old loves his mommy&daddy, never wanting to lose sight of them in the crowd of guests all there to love&spoil him. And it’s a great sight to see an adorable little family growing up so beautifully - and him getting so smart&entertaining.
I am – hands down – the luckiest aunt in the world.

#BFF's Crafts

This past saturday my #bff had a craft show at her house called the Merry Marketplace.

Her, her mom, and some of their crafty friends have it every year and showcase all their fun holiday goodies.

I always find craft shows to be inspiring

...they remind me of how capable I am

and that I simply need the crafting fire lit under me

in order to put together such adorable things.

I purchased a pair of super cute earrings and an orniment that #bff had made

and decided that I want to try to make my own christmas orniments this year with family pictures.

Random Favorites

 "Bunni" Froyo in Florida

 Organic Soup with Bunni's Dad

 Bunni's Dad's Favorite Store

 Pennies for a Rainy Day

 Homemade Throw Pillows

 Spring Foliage

 Punch Top Beer Cans

 Campus Martius in the Summer

Gma&Gpa's Outdoor Furniture

 Old Gas Pump "Back Home"