Healthy's Sake

I wanted to make a conscious effort when I started seeing Mr.U not to let the insecurities with my body get in the way. I wanted to be confident in public and confident in bed – and at the time I definitely wasn’t.
So I planned to shed a little.
Mentions turned to conversations – his obsession with healthy eating and daily workouts brought back my obsession with little eating and vigorous cardio.
I never wanted him to look at me as fragile or needy or falling apart. I never wanted him to think of me as depriving myself or inflicting pain.
But, I’d be lying if I said I haven’t before and I wouldn’t again.
I should have kept my mouth shut.





I do genuinely love food.
Breakfast –
Salads –
Mexican –
Chinese –
MashedPotatoes&Corn&Gravy –
ChocolateChipCookies –
PeanutButterPie –
FrenchFries
And I do honestly hate to diet&obsess.

But I was raised by a mother who was raised by a mother who harbored a legitimate fear of “being fat” and no matter the portion, no matter the exercise, no matter the effort – I can feel it building and the fear slithers through my brain like an earthworm escaping water.
Thus, despite my impulsive desire to shield Mr.U from “my issues,” they’ve snuck their way to the surface anyway (not in their darkest entirety, but enough). And I strongly dislike even the idea of his knowledge.
The New Year will introduce our new diet&exercise regimen (I joined his gym finally) and I’ll once again attempt to stifle the beasts within.
For his sake and our sake, my insecurities cannot find their way into 2012.

Sparkle Addiction

.I'm addicted to sparkles&glitter.
...and attaching my polish to holidays...

New Year's Eve Nails
4th of July Nails
Christmas Nails

Inner Demons

Sometimes, I just wish no one would notice.

Suggestive Statements

“Well, if we ever get married – this will be a great story to tell our kids.”

Mr.U is an incredibly good sport. Not only does he graciously volunteer to DD for Girls’ Nights, but he also has to sit&listen to our girl talk about our sex lives (including him), our irritations, our diets, our crazy-old-stories, etc. Well now, with Barbie’s recent engagement, our conversations revolve around weddings, bridesmaids, babies, moving, etc. Mr.U&I growing up with the rest of them, but we just hopped on this relationship train less than 3months ago – and, though I can admit that I don’t imagine life without him any time soon, we also aren’t on the same conversation level as the rest of the crew. He doesn’t mind, though, when the girls tell him silly things like: “if you propose to her, make sure she’s done her nails that day.” or “if you want kids with her, you better hope they’re not girls.” I cringed a little last night when everyone threw us into the marriage-topic-bubble, but he just smiled at me – stayed up till 1:30am to drive the fiancés&birthdaygirl home from the bar – and quietly told me that no subject about “us” could make him uncomfortable. Good thing, cause if he got as nutty as my insides get, we’d be in a world of trouble…

Puzzle Pieces

My group is growing up. It’s wild.
One already moved to South Carolina for a teaching position. One friend is taking a job offer all the way in Texas. One is starting a new degree program across the state. One is getting married. One is having a baby. Others are spread all over the state and others are still right next door… And, just 2 days ago, Barbie got engaged – to a wonderful marine-man who’ll undoubtedly treat her as perfectly as she deserves.
Then there’s Mr.U&I simply smiling at each other while our friends move on and the world keeps revolving – testing the waters and finding the comfort.
I remember when Barbie started seeing Marine and we all silently thought: he’s the one. He fit into her happiness like the final missing puzzle piece and we willingly checked her off the list of single friends – not that her relationship made her lame like some do.
Maybe it’s the fact that everyone is growing up around me or the warmth of the holiday season seeping into my brain&heart, but I can’t help feeling like I’ve found that final piece. Now, I don’t rush into things at all – anyone who knows me is painfully aware that I’m the most indecisive, nonchalant, commitment-phobic, obsessive-compulsive monster at times – but I’m a firm believer in the fact that “when you know, you know.” Just like we all knew that Marine would marry Barbie (maybe not that he’d propose with such a gorgeous ring, but still). And I have to admit: I think I know. Or at least I’m not scared to acknowledge what I feel. And somewhere in this frantic heart, I’m finding a comforting calm.

Ornament Personality

I think tree decoration can tell a lot about a person. Some trees are super artsy – like my #bff’s family tree with little elves and massive bows. Some trees are small&simply – like my parents’ who incorporate minimal decorations in their 2-person home. Some trees are very traditional – like my grandparents’ which acts as a family history lesson. (Almost every ornament on their tree – that my grandpa so perfectly decorates every season – tells a story about the life of our family.)
I like all kinds of trees, I suppose. I’m pretty artsy, so I’d like a tree to deck our creatively. I’m also simply, so straight-forward&easy seems like a good way to go. And I definitely love traditions&memories, so I could never have my decorations not mean anything to me.
Hm. Maybe someday I’ll just have multiple. If my grandparents can have a tree just for their “couple ornaments” I think I’m allowed to have as many trees as I want.

Camera Man for GrandpaSweaters for my knitting Grandma30+ year old Photo Balls
School Bus for the Bus-Drivers
Sweets for the Sweet Tooth Disney for all our wonderful Disney MemoriesA Snow Couple for the Snowman Obsessed

Holiday Games

In my family, games are always a hit. Being the non-competitive person I am, I don’t always love this fact, but I generally end up partaking anyway – especially during the holidays.
We do a gift exchange affectionately known as “Dirty Santa” where we each bring a $20 gift, draw numbers, and open or “steal.” The trick is that each gift can only be stolen twice – so there’s a strategy to if, when, and from who to steal any desired item.
This year – like most years – there were lots of games to be unwrapped. Board games, puzzles, single-player trinkets. Like I said, we like our games. I had my eye on a “Find It” as soon as my aunt opened it – a cylinder full of plastic beads with little items to find inside. My cousin had her eye on a 20-question game – turns out she was awful at it. And my mom wound up with a puzzle that she’ll leave at our vacation home.
Once the steals are over and the “tension” of the process has subsided, we all open our goodies and play with them together. It always seems to work out just fine in the end – even with my uber-competitive, relentless grandpa who has absolutely no problem stealing the most-coveted item from the most-deserving receiver.

Chocolate Monster

There’s a wonderful little chocolate shop in my hometown that my mom adores to utilities for gift-giving. Thus, for every Christmas I can remember, I’ve gotten a box of Something Sweet chocolates. Sometimes, I’m being a “good girl” and give them away or only eat one a day. Well, it’s 4 days after Christmas and my chocolate box is empty… I shared: one with Mr.U. And I threw two away because they had white chocolate on them, which I’m allergic to. But, that’s still A LOT of rich truffles to suck down in less than 72hrs.
Woops.
January 1st is going to kick my ass.

Cracked Heels

My heels are incredibly dry in this winter weather. Not fun. No matter how much I lotion or how often I scrub them, they’re just cracked&disgusting. Frustrating.

They make me self-conscious. Mr.U says he doesn’t even notice – (I should re-nickname him, Mr.Accommodation, but that’s far too much to write) – whether he notices or not, though, I want them to go back to normal. Now.

Snowmen

My grandma’s been collecting snowmen since I can remember. She’s got snowmen everywhere in the winter time
– shelves&shelves
– trinkets&tables full
– salt&pepper shakers
– plates&bowls
– orniments&wrapping paper.
She’s got snowmen to represent every winter necessity and they take over the old farm house as soon as Thanksgiving is over. When I woke up at the house the morning after Christmas I wandered around smiling – remembering all the snowmen I’d been seeing forever like the glass ones with their matching tree on the window sill by the kitchen sink. I’ve been playing with some of the snowmen in that house since I was able to play. My grandpa caught me snapping pictures and gave me a silly, inquisitive look. “After a year away from these memories, I forgot how happy they make me.” was my response.

Playing House

I’ve become pathetically attached to Mr.U. I actually missed him over the holiday weekend and couldn’t wait to get to his house Tuesday morning to exchange our presents and have breakfast before our friends arrived for the Western Michigan vs. Purdue bowl game at Ford Field. He’d started a fire and set out all the goodies for hot chocolate – quietly reading the paper, he waited for my 7:50am arrival. I just wanted to snuggle him, but I also couldn’t wait for him to open his gifts and I was, of course, excited to see what he’d found for me.

a book on Michigan Architecture
a bottle of local Riesling
a Victoria’s Secret Gift Card
a vintage Detroit Lion’s hoodie


All wonderful gifts. I think, though, more than the purchased items, I loved playing house with Mr.U. We giggled and slid around the living room in our socks – playing chase and jumping over the couches. Knitting in front of the fireplace – discussing our plans and the weather. Sneaking kisses and nuzzling under his arm. Suppressing the smile throbbing under my cheeks in the early morning silence. Thinking about the endless mornings I wouldn’t mind spending this way…“You make me incredibly happy, Mr. I hope you plan on keepin’ it up for a freakishly long time.”

Christmas Aftermath

I woke up the morning after Christmas snuggled into my favorite couch on the front porch of my grandparents’ house. My grandma had already left to shop with my aunt and my grandpa was quietly sipping his coffee in the sunroom while the rest of the house slept soundly. The living room was sprinkled with opened gifts and garbage bags of torn paper&ribbons – the aftermath of my wonderful family’s Christmas celebration. I quietly wandered from room to room snapping pictures. A year ago at this time, I was waking up in Disney World – attempting to remain unfazed by my first ever holiday away from home. So this year – in the midst of empty boxes, tubs of leftovers, and worn out people – I wanted nothing more than to appreciate the presence of the season and the silence of the morning in the place I most like celebrating with the people I love so dearly.

Menthol Mind

My bunni was a smoker. The whole time I dated her, I refused to even purchase a pack of cigarettes for her, let alone smoke my own. But I didn’t mind her smoking. I knew as soon as our meals were finished, we needed to pay&leave so she could smoke. I knew where multiple ashtrays&lighters were at all times. I knew stopping for cigs always needed to be added into travel plans and that her mouth would consistently taste like menthol. But I never once smoked.
Not until about a month before she passed. She asked me to light a cigarette for her. I had no idea how. But I loved her and felt desperate to please her. So I learned. Then I lit all of her cigarettes for her when we were together that last month.
I joked after she’d gone that I was simply trying to let the Marlboro Company down easy by picking up smoking myself. Really, I think I’d just lost my mind. Really, I was living vicariously through her bad habits. Really, I rarely liked them – I honestly felt that I needed them.
On days that I miss her, I buy a pack. I used to chain-smoke it. My most recent one has lasted over a month. It all entirely depends. All I know is that Marlboro Menthol Milds make me happy – whether I actually crave them, need them, or even like them. My bunni thrived on the blue pack and I admittedly will probably thrive on them for her-through her-with her forever.

City Lights

I am definitely a city girl.
I love a good, small town to escape to
–
but when it comes down to it, I couldn’t live without a city.
I thrive on the
lights&sound
hustle&bustle
restaurants&bars
shops&theaters
–
I crave the ability to have hours&hours of endless entertainment at my fingertips.
Even if all I end up doing is curling up inside my quiet room and ignoring the city through the window pane.

Bullet Things

Mr.U and his buddies love to describe things as “bullet.”
I find it comparative to “fuckin.”
“She was bullet mad.”
–
“She was fuckin mad.”
“Its bullet hot in here.”
–
“Its fuckin hot in here.”
Sometimes, though, I guess it’s more like “awesome.”
“That’s a bullet car.”
–
“That’s an awesome car.”
“You’re bullet between the sheets.”
–
“You’re awesome between the sheets.”
I find myself using it without concretely being able to explain it.
“Bullet” seems to fit in lots of places, though
–
like when a day can simply be described as “bullet.”
Last night, we were looking out over the city from our floor of the parking structure…

“That’s a bullet park-job.”

I glanced down and knew immediately what car he was talking about.

“That is a bullet park-job.” I giggled.

Trendy Night

Last night was Date Night for Mr.U&I. Usually Thursday nights are simply sleep-over night after Dessert&Revenge with the girls. But since there was no girls’ night this week, Mr.U&I decided to go out for an evening “on the town.” We started with dinner at Old Peninsula to feed Mr.U’s craving for their seasonal Gingerbread Beer. We planned to go to an 8pm movie across the street, but had an hour between dinner and the show, so we wandered over to The Wine Loft for a quick glass of wine. Woops. We missed the movie. I guess we were swept away in the trendy atmosphere of the building and the taste-bud tickling wine flights we’d both chose to order.
Mine: the Mitten (all wine from Michigan wineries) – His: Sweet Tooth (all dessert wines) – Each: Excellent.
Unfortunately, we didn’t want to wait around for the 10pm show, so we’ll have to try again another day. Instead, we wandered in the rain for a bit, then snuggled in the watch the Las Vegas Bowl.

Seasonal Spending

This season is so expensive. Too expensive. Not only do I need to pay rent January 1st, but I had to buy 10 $20 gifts, a good gift for Mr.U, and some crafty gifts for my girlfriends. This is way out of my normal spending habits – I’m potentially the most frugal girl I know… I don’t even own a debit card so that I have to actually go into the bank when I want to spend money. I’m putting my blinders on, though. I’m spending. I want to be a good gift giver and, unfortunately, I’ve got to fork over some cash to do so. Bite the bullet and get over it, girl. I keep telling myself. Tis the season. I’ll go back to my normal “saver mode” once the holidays have passed.One expense I definitely hadn’t planned on: a bridesmaid’s dress I won’t even be wearing till next September.

Holiday Smiles

Things that make me smile lately.

Check from a friend "for 'being awesome.'"
Homemade gift exchange with the girlfriends.
Mailing Christmas cards to friends & family.

Ending Change

It stinks to realize that something you thought
would always be stable
never would end
could always be counted on
.is over.
Things change
people change
ideals-rituals-traditions change.
I suppose I’ve got to deal with it.
And get over it.
I can’t hold onto something that doesn’t want to be held.