NovemberNothingness

Yes, its been 2 years. Well 1 year and 362 days… but who’s counting? I spent last year in Disney World, though – took the day off work and got drunk in the Magic Kingdom. The reality was gone without a grave to visit or mourners to hug. I remember aching, but it was an unexplainable ache that I was comfortable experiencing alone. And that’s what I did. My friends now tell me how worried they were. “Who’s gonna drive to Florida and make sure she’s ok.” But, despite their worry, everyone’s always known that there’s no fixing me. Thus, they let me be. I’ll be ok if I want to be. I blackout if I want to mentally disappear. I’ll ignore my phone&computer if I want to be out of touch. And being 19 hours away made my ability to do so completely attainable and their desires to help out of the question.
Now, though – almost 2 years after she left – I find myself in the middle of it all. I can’t just close my eyes, count to ten, and be somewhere else. I can’t get wasted and have people assume it’s simply another bar night – cause it’s not, and the people here know that. NovemberNothingness (as I’ve come to call it) is everything to the friends who surround me. They know that my strong face isn’t strong at all and my firm legs are shaking from the inside out. They know. They still know there’s no fixing me, but they know. And I wish I could pretend that 2-years-later it's so much easier – but as my 2010 black out doesn’t seem to count – here I am and nothing’s easier.
November will be over soon.